I Heart Charlie Sheen

Seriously, I am going to devote this whole blog post to Charlie Sheen quotes. Jeff and I are keeping the 20/20 interview on our DVR just so we can go back to it every now and then for awesome lines we can use. Hopefully over time people will forget Charlie Sheen said these things and we can just totally take credit for them.

I was born dead. It was radical. I'm alive. Bring it.

I'm proud of the way I party; its epic.

Bangin' 7 gram rocks because that's how I roll.

Ambien: the devil's aspirin.

People can't process me because I'm not normal. I'm not interested in the past; I'm the sum total of what's going on right now.

I look around and I see my perfect family and I think 'Not only do I deserve this but wow'.

[Referring to porn stars] They are the best at what they do and I'm the best at what I do and when we're together it's on.

Hey kids, your Dad's a rock star...my kids are going to realize I'm a rock star and that I'm bitchin'.

People misinterpret my passion for anger.

People are relying on [my] money to fuel the magic.

I expose people to magic; I expose them to something they will never see in their normal, boring life.

You borrow my brain for 5 seconds and just be like 'dude, can't handle it, unplug this dude' because you can't handle it because maybe its not of this particular realm. When you've got tiger blood and Adonis DNA man, its like get with the program man. You've been given magic, you've been given gold.

Boom, believe it.

What's the cure? Medicine? Make me like them? Not gonna happen. I'm bi-winning. I win here and I win there. Now what?

What'ts your favorite line? It doesn't have to be here, in fact, even better if it isn't because I just can't get enough of them. I think my favorite is "I'm bi-winning."

Make Someone's Day or Get Sick & Watch a Movie

Today Al came out of his office and told me he wanted to get rich off my blog. He said he is going to start looking for "investors" and then get my writings published. We went off on a tangent about it but in the end he said how much he enjoyed reading it. It was a great compliment and made my day.

It got me thinking, if a little bit of praise can make my day, what can a little bit of praise from me do for Hot Jeff? My Besties? My co-workers? My neighbors? The lady at the bank? The checker at Safeway?

From Day One of having babies we're told how important it is to praise and compliment them so we do it all the time and most of our kids are going to grow up with super inflated egos healthy self images but what if we did this with people we came in contact with all day long?

It takes no effort at all to tell someone you like their hair or that's a cute shirt or your yard looks nice or I think you're a great mom, friend, sister, hair dresser. We all need a pat on the back; we all like to be told that someone else thinks we're funny or pretty or smart or talented, right?

Hot Jeff can say whatever he wants but I know he likes being called "Hot Jeff".

On an unrelated note, sort of, I saw Salon Sara on Monday and Slutty Vixen is back baby! If you call my house and I don't answer its probably because I'm out hitting on your husband. Oh yeah, I've got the super dark tresses going and am loving it!

Who LOVES Anne of Green Gables? Don't you love it when Anne asks Diana for a lock of her "black tresses" and Diana replies, "I don't have any black dresses". Oh my I love that movie. I can't wait for Emily to get a little bit older and get a bad case of the flu so we can sit on the couch all weekend long and watch all 8 hours of Green Gables and Avonlea. Seriously, best.movies.ever. The other great sick-on-the-couch-sick-for-3-days is Lonesome Dove.

What movie do you always watch when you're sick? Who are you going to compliment today?

Whether You Want to Know or Not

In college writing classes a writer is asked to picture their audience when they write any piece. Being the star student I am, whenever I sit down to write down to write a post I picture my audience. I used to picture droves and droves of people all over the WORLD who really like a good story. Now that I haven't been blogging as regularly I picture my Mom. And maybe Shannon every other day or so.


The whole reason I even bring this up is because as I was formulating my blog post while putting Emily down tonight I knew I wanted to ask a question of my audience at the end but I'm not real sure anyone will comment. And that makes me so sad. You don't want me to be sad, do you? C'mon, leave a comment! And for crying out loud, leave a question for The G Spot.

So I spent much of my day being a lazy turd on the couch because I had a big headache. While I was lying around I made a sweet little playlist that I like to call "I Was Drunk the Day My Mom Got Out Of Prison"...yes, that's right--17 country, drinking songs. I figure it will be the perfect playlist for camping, floating the Deschutes or barbecuing with any of the Niles' clan. Its got some classics on it like Margaritaville, I'm Pretty Good at Drinkin' Beer, Tequila Sunrise, I Need You Now (the Lady Antebellum song that Shannon and I cannot get enough of) and Family Tradition because really, what's a good barbecuing with Niles' playlist without some Hank Williams Jr.?


One of my favorite playlists these days is my house cleaning playlist which includes some sweet and jiggy Beyonce, Eminem, Lady Gaga and I'm not ashamed to say it, Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake. I have Hit Me Baby One More Time right next to Rock Your Body so that somewhere in the universe Justin and Britney will be together, where they belong.


On the whole other end of the spectrum I have my workout playlist that is full of bumpin'-praise-Jesus music. I love me some David Crowder Band and have Oh Praise Him and Here is Our King. There's also some Chris Tomlinson, Lincoln Brewster and Michael W. Smith on there. I know, I know "1992 called and wants their Michael W. Smith back" but you can just stick it. Not only is this playlist workout worthy but its also good for bike rides and for car rides with the kids when I just can't take anymore Psalty praise songs. Samuel loves this playlist because it has his alltme favorite Our God Saves on it--the Paul Baloche version). Now if I'm in the car on a road trip and everyone else is sleeping then I'm listening to sermons because I just gotta have me some Josh Mann and Steve Fowler on the highway.


Speaking of road trips, there are only 2 cd's we ever listen to while rolling through the Rockies from Idaho to Montana and that is John Denver and Jim Croce. There is nothing like listening to Rocky Mountain High while reaching the peak of Lookout Pass.


One very versatile playlist is my "Smooth and Easy" playlist and its jammed packed with some Sinatra, Harry Connick Jr, Ella Fitzgerald and Tony Bennett. I've even managed to get my real Dad (Rod Stewart) on there with his sultry version of I Don't Wanna Talk About It and I love listening to it after the kids have gone to bed. I have a glass of wine and fold laundry, or look at a magazine or snuggle with Hot Jeff. This playlist is versatile because it can be the perfect baby-makin' music or the perfect break-up blues playlist. A melancholy lady could cry for hours while listening to In the Wee Small Hours of the Morning or I'll Be Seeing You.


Finally, my 80's playlist, made by the assistance and insistence of Hot Jeff pretty much brings down the house. This playlist is a must for laying out in the backyard getting some sun. And while I'm laying out in the sun my kids usually interrupt me so I start working in the garden or pulling weeds and I just love me some Bon Jovi, Rick Springfield and BOY GEORGE. I could just listen to Betty Davis Eyes, Hold Me Now and If You Like Pina Coladas all.day.long. And are you kidding me, what woman in her 30's doesn't imagine kissing Andrew McCarthy every time she hears If You Leave? Not me.


So what are your favorite playlists? Do you just like a good beat or do lyrics mean something and remind you of a certain time and place? What playlists get you going? Which ones make you want to kick back and drink wine by candlight? Be specific because I may want to make one like it.

I'm not even going to lie to you...I am watching "Bachelor Pad". I swore I wouldn't but Hot Jeff the evil TV temptress got me hooked...just like he always does. I swear that man is in cohorts with ABC. You know, its not nearly as trashy as the previews and the EW reviews made it out to be--not to mention Chris Harrison calling it "spectacular"! "Bachelor Pad" is just like Big Brother but with more kissing. And crying. I think "Bachelor Pad" is like those Sweet Valley High books I read in junior high. Minus the entitled twins driving around in a Fiat.


Since I have a love of all things "Bachelor" it is only fair that you know that I internet stalked Roberto and my suspicions were correct...he is a State Farm agent. In my internet stalking I found out he had applied for a California insurance license and although that tipped me off to him being Ali's final pick I was surprised he didn't start his agency in Oregon so that I could work for him and so that Ali and I could become the bestest of besties that we are meant to be.

I'm pretty certain that somehow in the State Farm universe Roberto and I will meet and Hot Jeff and I will become he and Ali's best couple friends. We will give them marital advice and someday down the road we'll give them advice on how feed their babies and get them to sleep through the night. And they will buy a house next door to us and Ali and I will shop at TJ Maxx together.

I'm pretty certain that when ABC does Roberto and Ali's wedding in a 2 hour special you will see Hot Jeff and I up there as their best man and maid of honor. Hot Jeff and I will be up there smiling through happy tears and wearing designer wedding clothes that we didn't have to pay for but look really awesome in. In fact--I'm going to start writing a song that I can dedicate to them and that they can dance to for their first dance. In it, I will play the didgeridoo. I've wanted to learn to play the didgeridoo since my elementary principal, Mrs. Thorndal, went to Madagascar and came to our class and showed her slides. The didgeridoo is not for the faint of heart.

My only hope is that while at the reception I can dance with Craig. Or at least Craig's hair.

Ok, so we're clear: "Bachelor Pad"= Things I Like.

Mama's Got Her Genius On

I am no expert on saving money. Blowing through money in the first 4 days after payday and then wondering where all the money went at the end of the month? Yes, got that down.

Every now and then though I see an idea and think that its pretty fun and if I can save some money--well then even better.

I saw this idea somewhere and decided to make it with the kids. This is actually our second round with the homemade easel but the first one was such a big hit I modified it a bit and made another one.

Using the end of a cupboard, cut easel paper into strips and attach at the top. I used masking tape as it peals off easily without leaving any residue. I bought washable markers (crayons were used in the first easel) and taped craft ribbon to the lid and then hung it from the top of the cupboard. Voila.

Ribbon: $.44

Tape: $1 from the dollar store
Easel paper from IKEA: $5.00
Washable markers: $5.99
My farmy easel: $12.43

Now let us compare that to a famous toy store's easel for $39.99 and that is a savings of $27.56!

Let's go get overpriced coffee with our extra money!

NOT a Retraction

I had planned on writing about my New Testament Christmas pledge and something cool I read about in Matthew this week but have to write something else thanks to Hot Jeff.

So apparently Jeff's youth is not the only thing that left town when he turned 40 last month. Apparently Jeff's sense of humor packed up and headed somewhere Tropic right along with his 30s because last night after he read my HILARIOUS post about my virgin hair he basically, in not as few as words, called me racist. That's right: racist. He likened me to Don Imus. Now I may be a lot of things (crass, irreverent, painfully charming, disarmingly beautiful) but I am not racist and I certainly am not Don IMUS.

Jeff said I may have "crossed a line" with the whole nappy-hair-talking-in-Ebonics stuff and that if I had said that in the "workplace" I probably would have lost my job. Ok, seriously Jeff: LOOSEN UP. 1) Hot Jeff is just jealous because while he may be very hot he has very straight, thin hair. And it is beginning to gray. 2) A little controversy WOULD BE AWESOME for my blog's notoriety. Will someone PLEASE get offended about something I write and call the Today show and have Matt Lauer interview me. Can you imagine the hits I would get on this thing? Advertisers would be knocking down my door and I could roll in the money donate the money to women with nappy hair poor kids.

In my interview with Matt Lauer I would say I am NOT a racist and that was simply poking fun at myself. I never meant to imply that people with nappy hair speak in Ebonics nor do I think people with nappy hair smoke marijuana, medically or non-medically. I would ask all the nappy haired,marijuana smoking, Ebonic speaking blog followers of mine who decided they would never read another written word of mine to come back, come back please. I would also tell all the non-virgin hairs who left hurt and wounded to come back and that they always have a place at my table. Well, maybe not at my table, no one wants to risk getting dirty hair in their food, but always a place at my blog. Ah, crap I did it again. I just implied that if your hair isn't a virgin it is dirty. I just can't win.

Please note, for the record, I labeled this blog post under the "Things I Like" category. That's because I like people who speak Ebonics and drink 40s and smoke marijuana. Come on, don't leave mad!

There Will Be a Special Place in Heaven for Jesus-lovin' Liberals

...and it is going to be a nice, BIG place because I just found a whole passel of them.

Burnside Writers Collective is an online magazine "presenting an alternative to franchise faith". Even their description gives me goosebumps. It is hands down my new favorite website. Next to mine. Um, hello.

Now I gotta say, if you think Glenn Beck is "right on" and President Obama is the anti-Christ then you're probably not gonna love this site. However, if you liked Blue Like Jazz and/or The Shack then you will most likely really, really enjoy some of the essays BWC publishes.

If Burnside Writers Collective is the Burnside Portland Burnside as I infer it is then you can pretty much count on it becoming my Mecca and me flinging myself on their steps and staying there until they publish me. Or until my husband drags me by my ear back home and insists I stop this nonsense that the kids are begging for hotdog wraps (which I made tonight and my children now rise up and call me blessed).

BWC is where I read about Pete Gall, author of My Beautiful Idol, which I cannot order off of amazon fast enough. Two reviews that sold me read, "St. Augustine invented the confessional memoir. Modern examples are shorter and funnier (think Anne Lamott and Donald Miller). Now comes Pete Gall, who somehow gathers the messiness of his life into an enduring account, one both poignant and whimsical." -- Philip Yancey, Author "[My Beautiful Idol] is a delicate reminder to denounce all that dazzles that does not look like Jesus. It is an invitation to say no to all other lovers and counterfeit hopes, and to put our faith in the God that is blessing the most downtrodden people of this world, the God whose Gospel is good news to the poor." -- Shane Claiborne, Author & Activist.

So hats off to you Burnside Writers. You get the very first post under my new "Things I Like" label. You're welcome.