Thursday, June 17, 2010

The Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever. Really.

Hot Jeff has discovered the ABC summer hit "The Bachelorette". Yes, Hot Jeff is crushin' a little bit on the adorable, nervous laugher, Ali. He's been getting all caught up on the last 4 weeks in bed on Ruby and despite my attempts to ignore it and read through it I have found myself caught up in the drama. I'm also rooting for Roberto--how seriously sweet and adorable is Roberto?

Anyway, after watching 11 men fall all over this blond beauty for 120 minutes I went to bed thinking about how fun it would be to be the Bachelorette. ABC is flying this gal over the world, hooking her up with clothes and she's the object of affection for 25 hot guys. Granted, many of them are certifiably crazy but it is still pretty fun when she walks in to a room and they all stop what they are doing and APPLAUD!

I began to form my own version of the Bachelorette in my mind, one where the bachelorette is me-- 33 years old and has a stretch marked, post baby bod. I'm going to direct a mini episode for you; feel free to comment and add any other Bachelorette staples that I have missed.

Opening Scene
Me silhouetted on a sunlit beach. I'm jogging and stopping every few feet because when I jog I start to pee. My swimsuit is a black one piece from Lane Bryant and skirted to hide my thighs and hips. Off camera the producer is dangling a meatball sandwich so that I'll run towards the camera.

Voice Over from Chris Harrison
"Jennifer Henderson may not be our typical Bachelorette but America has fallen in love with this 33 year old stay at home mother of two. One woman and 25 men who are all at least 10 years her junior will attempt to find love in this season's most dramatic quest for love yet".

First Scene: Cocktail Party
25 20 somethings are all standing around drinking cocktails and slapping high fives. I walk in through the french doors wearing a shimmering, floor length gown and wearing a front pack with a newborn in it. As the men start to applaud the baby wakes up and they all start to "ooh and aw". Despite never wanting anything to do with children prior to this night they know they are on national TV and the more they suck up to me and the baby the further they will go on the show.

Keith, a 27 year old accountant walks up to me and hands me a blended drink and a warmed bottle. "Can I steal you away?" he asks confidently.

As Keith and I walk out to the dimly lit pool area the camera goes to 3 gorgeous 20 somethings sitting on a leather couch. Max, a 22 year old lifeguard says, "She stunning. She's everything I've ever wanted in a woman". Blake, a 28 year old professional soccer player says, "Her hips are so wide...perfect birthing hips". The 3rd gentleman, Scott, a 27 year old college admissions counselor, nods his head in agreement and simply growls and says, "Cougar".

Commerical break for Slim Fast and Skinny Cow desserts.

2nd scene: Keith and I are sitting on bamboo furniture near a heated pool. I'm nursing the baby and he's playing a tender lullaby on a clarinet. When he finishes he takes my hand in his and says, "I know I just met you but I feel this connection to you. I hope I will get a rose tonight; I want to share my life with you and will be suicidal if you let me go tonight".

As Keith is finishing his heartfelt plea for a rose I put my breast away and hand him the baby. Cut to a confessional of Keith with candles behind him, "When she handed me the baby I knew she was putting her trust in me me. She was letting me know that she felt a connection between us...she felt the spark too. She was essentially handing me her heart".

Cut to me in a different confessional with more candles. My lipstick has rubbed off from kissing 25 men on both of their cheeks all night but my hair is perfectly coiffed. I'm wearing one of their suit jackets over my sleeveless gown. I say, "I handed Keith the baby so he could burp it. I don't really feel anything between Keith and I...I don't think he's genuinely in this for me".

As the camera cuts from the confessional and scans the empty heated pool Chris Harrison's voice comes over and says, "Our bachelorette Jennifer has had a chance to meet our 25 handsome bachelors. Who will she send home to their mothers and who will she give a rose to. Find out next in our most dramatic rose ceremony ever."

Next commercial. More Slim Fast ads and a few diapers and Disney Land ads mixed in.

Scene 3: The Rose Ceremony
I'm standing holding the final rose. I'm biting my lip and twirling it in my fingers. A toddler is clinging to my leg. The camera spans the 25 men standing in 2 rows. 14 of them have roses pinned to their lapels. The camera gives a close up of Keith, who is still holding the baby, and Jack, a 22 year old radio dj, who is wearing a t-shirt under his suit that says "Spank Me".

"Jack." I say with a bittersweet smile. Jack walks forward, "Jack, will you accept this rose?" "You know it" he replies with a wink.

Chris walks in and stands next to me. "Gentlemen, if you did not receive a rose tonight please come say your goodbyes".

Keith walks towards me with tears running down his cheeks and he's holding the baby towards me. "I thought we had something and Junior and I really connected. I wanted to play catch with your kids and take all inclusive vacations with you".

I smile and kiss him on the cheek.

As Keith walks away a large noise is heard off camera and Hot Jeff storms through the doors. "What the hell are all of you doing in my house? Jen, why are the kids still up? The city called me at the office because the neighbors are complaining about the 6 limos lining the street. Dammit Jen, somebody better tell me what's going on here".

The screen goes black and then to a picture of me hugging a dark haired man. There are sirens in the background and police lights flashing in the distance. I have a blanket wrapped around me and I'm crying. Chris Harrison's voice comes over scenes of me kissing different men on different beaches and on top of sky scrapers and in helicopters, "In our most dramatic season in over 9 years Jennifer seeks to find love. Will it be with one of our handsome bachelors or will her husband win her back?" Cut to a scene of me dressed in a ball gown in a gazebo. "All this season on The Bachelorette".


Joy for the Seasons said...

Oh my goodness you are a HOOT!

Kelli said...

Hysterical! And Roberto is my favorite too. :)

Kim W. said...

you crack me up!!!

Valerie said...

you are the funniest person I know!!! :)

Katy M. said...

I loved it! You are so funny!

Mia White said...

This might just be your funniest post ever. What an imagination you have! Love ya.

ehoff said...

Girl you need to pitch that to SNL!! That would be the funniest skit ever!! Or it could be a spoof-ish movie, playing at the bachelor and bachelorette. Seriously. I would pay money for sure to see that movie. Do itttttt....

Jennifer said...

Mia, I think it is my favorite post and Emily...that is so funny my mom told me the same thing about SNL! You girls are good for my ego!

Amber said...

Roberto is Swoon-Worthy. And since you went and mentioned him early on, I had a hard time concentrating on the rest of your post. Drool. Slobber. Slurp.

You make me snort-giggle.

Traci Piltz said...

Okay, you forgot the dates. I think instead of wine and caviar while being serenaded on a rooftop, it will be Chuck E. Cheese's. You will see who is worthy for your rose by their skee ball scores, and whether or not they save the last piece of pizza for you.

Roberto is Kelli's favorite, too. I haven't watched this season, but I have to admit I have a crush on Chris Harrison.