Damn Old Lady Skin

As I mentioned on Facebook today, for 35 years I have not given a crap about my skin.  I never wash it before bed, I'm always picking at it and I'm not even close to drinking enough water a day.  Its my own fault I have lines around my eyes and that horrible wrinkle in between my eyes.  I'm lucky I don't smoke or I would really be in trouble.

When I was a teenager my mom seemed to notice that I frowned all the time, thus making a little crinkle in between my eyes.  She'd say, "You should stop frowning or you're going to get a deep wrinkle between your eyes."  I would nod and then stick my tongue out at her when she turned around.  At the time my mom didn't know anything, she certainly did not know when or where I would wrinkle.

Well it turns out she was right about the "little crinkle" and just about everything else.  I hate her.

I was getting my Slutty Vixen on last week with Salon Sara and she told me about this new cream she has started using.  Its called Nerium and is apparently the equivalent of little magic elves in a bottle turning back the hands of time.  She showed me all these fabulous before and after pictures which, of course, I was incredibly skeptical about.  Then she started telling me about the difference she has seen in her skin in just a couple of weeks of use.  Smaller pores, help with uneven coloring, lines becoming thinner, etc etc.  She gave me a bottle and asked me to use it for 10-12 days.  I'm in.

I had to take a before picture which turned out to be tricky because you're not supposed to photo shop the before picture.  I had to take like 14 pictures before I got the right angle so it doesn't look like I have 6 chins.  I don't believe Nerium takes care of your multiple chin problems so why advertise it, right?

I've decided that if Nerium truly works I will start slatthering my whole body with it in hopes that it will tighten my ass, flatten my tummy, lift my boobs and make me less bitchy in the mornings. 

What Will Happen If You Don't Read This Blog

Back before we went all Little House on the Prairie and got rid of our TV I watched a fair amount of cable news. One thing I think cable news is very good at is fear mongering. You know, scaring the holy living crap out of you so that you'll vote a certain way, spend a certain way, travel a certain way or finally stop wearing banana clips in your hair.

I'm not going to try and scare you with tactics. I'm simply going to tell you the simple truth and then let your conscience be your guide. If you don't start getting A WHOLE LOT OF PEOPLE reading this blog so that I start bringing in a little money I'm going to have to get a job.

Gasp.

I know, tell me about it.

Please don't ask me technical details like how many more people do I need to visit this site a day or how much do I get paid per visit or anything like that because I simply don't know. No really, I don't have any idea. And I know that I have a contract lying around here somewhere that most likely explains all of that but I just don't know where. Its probably right next to the carrot seeds that I lost. I can tell you where it isn't. It isn't in the filing cabinet that Shannon bought me, made files for, and spent hours organizing paperwork for. Nope, not in there.

Over dinner when I was explaining to Jeff that I needed to increase my "blog traffic" and he asked "from how many to how many" and I told him "from not a lot to a lot" and he nearly choked on his food. He gave me that look like what-do-you-mean-you-don't-know and I just smiled. You see, all that administrative stuff just gets lost on me.

So that brings me back to the reason for this post: if you and a whole lot of other people don't start dropping by a whole lot more I'm going to have to get a real job. And just so you know, I won't even put sweet little Samuel and Emily in daycare. No, I will just find a pack of wolves to raise them so think on that a little bit. If me having to get a job doesn't make you feel guilty enough to read this blog everyday than maybe my precious, adorable, innocent children being raised by a pack of savage dogs will.

So come on over to my little blog spot. Let's say once or twice a day. And tell a friend. Or 30. And tell those 30 friends to tell 30 friends. And for crying out loud, if you are some big bloggity blog blog big deal and rolling in the money you are making off your blog then please throw a girl a bone and tell me your secret. Or give me a shout out on your blog. Or stop rolling in that money and come on over and clean my house.

There Is No Way To Title This Post

Last night I was trying to fall asleep and was writing this post in my head, as I so often do. The one thing I kepy struggling with (until I hopped up, took a Tylenol PM and solved that problem) was what to title this post. I'm still not sure. So after you read it know that I'm opening it up for suggestions and the winner gets a $5 Starbucks card.

Yesterday was my Bestie Shannon's sexy photo shoot up in Portland. Our friend Valerie is a super fabulous and talented photographer and does a sophisticated photo shoot for women called "Little Black Book". Just in case you think Shannon has turned in to a big porn whore, you should totally go check out Valerie's website and see a sampling of the beautiful pictures she does. She transforms regular ol' women, wives, moms into supermodels and afterwards they feel beautiful, sexy, empowered and captivating. Shannon asked me to join her yesterday and it was such a fun experience.

First of all, the finished product, a leather bound black book of pictures is going to be an anniversary present for Shannon's husband Drew so mum is the word, got it? I'm pretty certain I have a huge following of attorneys down at the Attorney General's office where Drew works so I'd ask all of you to keep your mouths shut until after August.

The morning started off at a ritzy hotel in Portland and Valerie had hired a makeup artist to sex up spruce up the clients before their shoot. When we arrived, our sweet twenty something friend Emily was there getting the last finishing touches on her hair and makeup. Talk about red-hot sex bomb...oh my gosh--Emily is smokin' hot and gave me even more reasons to hate twenty somethings.

When it was Shannon's turn in the chair we got to meet the very adorable, very down to earth, very talented Jennifer Walker. She's a real life makeup artist and I was pretty sure Tom Bergeron was going to step out a closet at any given moment and tell Shannon she was going to be on Dancing with the Stars. Jennifer even had one of those tall director chairs for Shannon to sit in and good lighting. As Shannon sat, I pressed Jennifer for color tips and Shannon and I found out we're pretty much doing it all wrong. Shannon isn't supposed to wash her face with Cetaphil (I seriously thought real-life makeup artist Jennifer was going to need to be resuscitated when Shannon told her that. She went all silent and pale but we couldn't tell she was pale because she had such beautifully applied blush.) and I should stop doing my makeup in the car. She gave us some other helpful tips about moisturizing and so forth and then it was my turn to be shocked. And when I say "shocked" I am severely understating my emotion. It was more like the feeling you felt when one day your presumed dead uncle mysteriously showed up on a flight you were on and told you that not only was he alive but he is not your uncle but really your father and that he is responsible for the kidnapping of your husband who is wanted by the KGB for being a double agent spy. Yeah, it was more like that.

Are you sure you want to keep reading and hear what she told me?

She said I shouldn't wear dark lipsticks but more pinks.

I will stop and give you a moment to gather yourself.

Here all this time I thought I looked like this:



But perhaps I really looked more like this?



Don't you just hate it when that happens?

5 A Day the 4-H Way

Sometimes I have these flashes of brilliance that even take me by surprise. No kidding. Yesterday I was lamenting to Bestie Shannon that my kids are going to grow up to be serial killers because they don't eat fruits and vegetables and then this morning I got this genius idea (I have yet to test it on them) to make little magnet hands that they could keep track of their fruits and veggies on.

Now while I may be a self-proclaimed genius my art skills are that of a 1st grader so I'm sure you can make these better. Nevertheless, I am seriously patting myself on the back for these beauties!

I covered them in contact paper and slapped some magnets on the back.

Then I used the clip art on my computer to make these little 2x2ish fruits and veggies. I colored them with colored pencils, labeled them and put more contact paper on them. I put a magnet on the back of each. I made 10 different fruits and veggies for each kid and put them in a ziploc (I know, a better mom would have sewed a bag) with their names on them. This picture is a sample of what it will look like at the end of a perfect and ideal day.

Now if I could just come up with a way to get them to eat them without me threatening them I would really be awesome!

Nappy No Mo'

Salon Sara called yesterday and said she had a new hair color she wanted to try on me. Lucky me it just happened to be the first Monday of my no-kids-on-Monday-mornings morning so I buzzed right over there.

Now I have to tangent right now on my hair or else the miracle of this story will be totally lost on you. My hair is nappy. As in nap.py. As in if I didn't spend money on soothing gels and defrizzing sprays and moisturizing moisturizer I would have friends asking me to "come over Friday night cold chillin' with a 40 and a blunt". Which to readers without nappy hair means "Do you want to come over on Friday night and we'll leisurely drink a 40 ounce bottle of malt liquor and smoke a marijuana cigarette". You dope?

So anyway, back to Salon Sara... She said this new hair color doesn't have ammonia in it (which I don't really care about but she seemed really excited about it so I acted excited too) and that after 5 uses it would actually take my hair back to "a virgin state". I never knew my hair had ever been a virgin but once I found out it wasn't a virgin anymore I started getting suspicious and wondering about the sneaky neighbor hair next door and trying to remember if I had ever seen him sneaking glances across the yard at my hair. If my hair gets knocked up there will be no end to my wrath...

Anyway, Sara was right. This new hair color is pretty awesome. It didn't smell and seriously left my hair feeling so smooth without any product! Let me say that again: left my hair feeling so smooth without any product. And that was just one coloring. I'm not certain but I don't even think my hair is a virgin again yet and it was smooth without any product! Sara styled my hair all up cute and puffy and put a sassy red flower barrette in and sent me on my way to stop traffic with my dead sexy hair. And stop traffic I did. At red lights people were motioning for me to roll down my window and then asking, "Is your hair a virgin?" "Almost" I would reply and then give them a knowing wink.

One last thing: if you see my hair out past 10:00 wearing red boots and too much lipstick you tell her to get her trampy self home and to stop walking the streets lookin' like she's just going to give it up to anybody. Sara and I have our work cut out for us but I'm determined to make my hair a virgin again.

There Will Be a Special Place in Heaven for Jesus-lovin' Liberals

...and it is going to be a nice, BIG place because I just found a whole passel of them.

Burnside Writers Collective is an online magazine "presenting an alternative to franchise faith". Even their description gives me goosebumps. It is hands down my new favorite website. Next to mine. Um, hello.

Now I gotta say, if you think Glenn Beck is "right on" and President Obama is the anti-Christ then you're probably not gonna love this site. However, if you liked Blue Like Jazz and/or The Shack then you will most likely really, really enjoy some of the essays BWC publishes.

If Burnside Writers Collective is the Burnside Portland Burnside as I infer it is then you can pretty much count on it becoming my Mecca and me flinging myself on their steps and staying there until they publish me. Or until my husband drags me by my ear back home and insists I stop this nonsense that the kids are begging for hotdog wraps (which I made tonight and my children now rise up and call me blessed).

BWC is where I read about Pete Gall, author of My Beautiful Idol, which I cannot order off of amazon fast enough. Two reviews that sold me read, "St. Augustine invented the confessional memoir. Modern examples are shorter and funnier (think Anne Lamott and Donald Miller). Now comes Pete Gall, who somehow gathers the messiness of his life into an enduring account, one both poignant and whimsical." -- Philip Yancey, Author "[My Beautiful Idol] is a delicate reminder to denounce all that dazzles that does not look like Jesus. It is an invitation to say no to all other lovers and counterfeit hopes, and to put our faith in the God that is blessing the most downtrodden people of this world, the God whose Gospel is good news to the poor." -- Shane Claiborne, Author & Activist.

So hats off to you Burnside Writers. You get the very first post under my new "Things I Like" label. You're welcome.

Oh Sew Sweet Creations...
It is so crazy to see your friends grow up and become fabulous. What's even weirder is to see their little sisters grow up and be fabulous! My dear friend Kelli, BFF's little sister, has started her own web-business for adorably cute homemade kids stuff. I was on her newly launched website tonight and cannot wait to get some of this fun stuff for Samuel and Emily. Check it out at: http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=6932480. And don't forget to tell everyone you know to check it out and do their birthday and Easter shopping with Kelli!

Kelli and her beautiful daughter, Emily

My oh sew very favorite: the Bag O' Numbers!!!

How ridiculously cute is this crown?

She's got ones for little guys too.
The real question: Kelli, can you make me one that says, "Queen"?