Damn Old Lady Skin

As I mentioned on Facebook today, for 35 years I have not given a crap about my skin.  I never wash it before bed, I'm always picking at it and I'm not even close to drinking enough water a day.  Its my own fault I have lines around my eyes and that horrible wrinkle in between my eyes.  I'm lucky I don't smoke or I would really be in trouble.

When I was a teenager my mom seemed to notice that I frowned all the time, thus making a little crinkle in between my eyes.  She'd say, "You should stop frowning or you're going to get a deep wrinkle between your eyes."  I would nod and then stick my tongue out at her when she turned around.  At the time my mom didn't know anything, she certainly did not know when or where I would wrinkle.

Well it turns out she was right about the "little crinkle" and just about everything else.  I hate her.

I was getting my Slutty Vixen on last week with Salon Sara and she told me about this new cream she has started using.  Its called Nerium and is apparently the equivalent of little magic elves in a bottle turning back the hands of time.  She showed me all these fabulous before and after pictures which, of course, I was incredibly skeptical about.  Then she started telling me about the difference she has seen in her skin in just a couple of weeks of use.  Smaller pores, help with uneven coloring, lines becoming thinner, etc etc.  She gave me a bottle and asked me to use it for 10-12 days.  I'm in.

I had to take a before picture which turned out to be tricky because you're not supposed to photo shop the before picture.  I had to take like 14 pictures before I got the right angle so it doesn't look like I have 6 chins.  I don't believe Nerium takes care of your multiple chin problems so why advertise it, right?

I've decided that if Nerium truly works I will start slatthering my whole body with it in hopes that it will tighten my ass, flatten my tummy, lift my boobs and make me less bitchy in the mornings. 

Make Someone's Day or Get Sick & Watch a Movie

Today Al came out of his office and told me he wanted to get rich off my blog. He said he is going to start looking for "investors" and then get my writings published. We went off on a tangent about it but in the end he said how much he enjoyed reading it. It was a great compliment and made my day.

It got me thinking, if a little bit of praise can make my day, what can a little bit of praise from me do for Hot Jeff? My Besties? My co-workers? My neighbors? The lady at the bank? The checker at Safeway?

From Day One of having babies we're told how important it is to praise and compliment them so we do it all the time and most of our kids are going to grow up with super inflated egos healthy self images but what if we did this with people we came in contact with all day long?

It takes no effort at all to tell someone you like their hair or that's a cute shirt or your yard looks nice or I think you're a great mom, friend, sister, hair dresser. We all need a pat on the back; we all like to be told that someone else thinks we're funny or pretty or smart or talented, right?

Hot Jeff can say whatever he wants but I know he likes being called "Hot Jeff".

On an unrelated note, sort of, I saw Salon Sara on Monday and Slutty Vixen is back baby! If you call my house and I don't answer its probably because I'm out hitting on your husband. Oh yeah, I've got the super dark tresses going and am loving it!

Who LOVES Anne of Green Gables? Don't you love it when Anne asks Diana for a lock of her "black tresses" and Diana replies, "I don't have any black dresses". Oh my I love that movie. I can't wait for Emily to get a little bit older and get a bad case of the flu so we can sit on the couch all weekend long and watch all 8 hours of Green Gables and Avonlea. Seriously, best.movies.ever. The other great sick-on-the-couch-sick-for-3-days is Lonesome Dove.

What movie do you always watch when you're sick? Who are you going to compliment today?

Potty Training--WWSVD?

I'm wondering what Slutty Vixen would do.

Nana sent Roo some Big Girl Panties and so yesterday afternoon after her nap I put them on Roo to let her see how they felt. She's been going potty in the potty before bath times so I know she's not completely clueless on how the whole panty-diaper thing works. She also shows one of those old Gigi-says-she's-ready signs of going and "hiding" to do her #2 bid-ness.

And although I didn't expect her to actually potty train TONIGHT I didn't expect what happened to happen.

She was doing great. No accidents. Every 10 minutes or so I would ask her if she needed to go pee and she would say 'no'. We had dinner and were in about hour 2 of panty wearing when I told her she was going to need to go potty in 2 minutes. She protested. I set the timer. The timer went off and I went to get her. She protested some more so I said we would all go potty together. Samuel chimed right in, thinking this was the most fun game ever, and grabbed her other hand. The 4 of us started marching in to the potty when Emily stopped, looked me directly in the eye and peed in her panties. With urine dripping down her leg she said, "I go potty in the potty".

What??

What was that all about? I literally have NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING. Samuel potty trained himself. And I mean that. 2 months before his 3rd birthday he walked up to me, handed me the diaper he'd been wearing and said, "I'm done with these". He's been peeing in the potty (and outside) ever since. I can count on one hand how many accidents he's had and that includes night time accidents. This is a new playing field for me.

So what would Slutty Vixen do? I think Slutty Vixen would sign Emily up for one of those potty training classes where they feed the kids juice boxes and doritos all day and if the kids pee on the floor they make them wipe it up themselves. Rumor has it that the kids are potty trained by the end of the 8 hour day. I think Slutty Vixen would take Emily to one of those classes and drink wine slushies out of a Starbucks cup all day. I think Slutty Vixen would also flirt with all the hot dads.

I'll take any advice you have. And if you don't have good advice but instead have a funny scenario of what Slutty Vixen would do, throw that in as well. I could use a good laugh.

Soap Opera Starlet AND Super-Hero

Why do kids act so crazy and naughty after being with a sitter? I don't get it. It doesn't matter if the "sitter" is an actual paid teenager, grandparents or my saint of a neighbor...when my kids get home they are like Satan in toddler clothes.

Yesterday was my favorite day of all favorite days: hair day. I got to go see my favorite people of all favorite people: Salon Sara and have her do whatever she pleases with me. I am the human version of Salon Sara's mood ring. If she's had a good game at soccer I get lighter brown, if she's feeling sassy I get red and if she's feeling pre-vacation I get a rich, deep black with violet strands mixed in like I got today. Its a stunning color--one of my favorites she's done. She called it "Level 3" which I think is salon talk for "darker than most people can go" but I'm calling it "Slutty Vixen" because that's what I look like: a really hot slutty vixen. I could totally be the bad girl in a soap opera.

So I come home from getting my hairgasm and I pick up Samuel and Emily from my saint of a neighbor's house and they are like, um what's the word in English? Oh yes, INSANE. Whining, crying, asking for food, screaming, hitting each other, demanding a movie, all at once and within 666 seconds of walking in to our front door. I stood in complete shock waiting for one or both of their heads to start spinning around and spewing pea soup or one of them to just collapse from a loss of air from all the screaming.

And somehow in the midst of the madness I pulled together my super-duper Mom powers and made two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches while putting a Veggie Tales movie on in 63 seconds flat. I didn't even have time to change in to my cape; that's how fast I was.

And then there was silence. And chewing. And the occasional hiccup from all the crying. But mostly silence as they watched the Tomato and Cucumber who quite possibly saved my children's lives today.

So now I'm just reveling in the quiet and wondering what Slutty Vixen would have done. I'm not sure but I bet tequila would have been involved.

Slutty Vixen is SO my new Superhero name.