Whether You Want to Know or Not

In college writing classes a writer is asked to picture their audience when they write any piece. Being the star student I am, whenever I sit down to write down to write a post I picture my audience. I used to picture droves and droves of people all over the WORLD who really like a good story. Now that I haven't been blogging as regularly I picture my Mom. And maybe Shannon every other day or so.


The whole reason I even bring this up is because as I was formulating my blog post while putting Emily down tonight I knew I wanted to ask a question of my audience at the end but I'm not real sure anyone will comment. And that makes me so sad. You don't want me to be sad, do you? C'mon, leave a comment! And for crying out loud, leave a question for The G Spot.

So I spent much of my day being a lazy turd on the couch because I had a big headache. While I was lying around I made a sweet little playlist that I like to call "I Was Drunk the Day My Mom Got Out Of Prison"...yes, that's right--17 country, drinking songs. I figure it will be the perfect playlist for camping, floating the Deschutes or barbecuing with any of the Niles' clan. Its got some classics on it like Margaritaville, I'm Pretty Good at Drinkin' Beer, Tequila Sunrise, I Need You Now (the Lady Antebellum song that Shannon and I cannot get enough of) and Family Tradition because really, what's a good barbecuing with Niles' playlist without some Hank Williams Jr.?


One of my favorite playlists these days is my house cleaning playlist which includes some sweet and jiggy Beyonce, Eminem, Lady Gaga and I'm not ashamed to say it, Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake. I have Hit Me Baby One More Time right next to Rock Your Body so that somewhere in the universe Justin and Britney will be together, where they belong.


On the whole other end of the spectrum I have my workout playlist that is full of bumpin'-praise-Jesus music. I love me some David Crowder Band and have Oh Praise Him and Here is Our King. There's also some Chris Tomlinson, Lincoln Brewster and Michael W. Smith on there. I know, I know "1992 called and wants their Michael W. Smith back" but you can just stick it. Not only is this playlist workout worthy but its also good for bike rides and for car rides with the kids when I just can't take anymore Psalty praise songs. Samuel loves this playlist because it has his alltme favorite Our God Saves on it--the Paul Baloche version). Now if I'm in the car on a road trip and everyone else is sleeping then I'm listening to sermons because I just gotta have me some Josh Mann and Steve Fowler on the highway.


Speaking of road trips, there are only 2 cd's we ever listen to while rolling through the Rockies from Idaho to Montana and that is John Denver and Jim Croce. There is nothing like listening to Rocky Mountain High while reaching the peak of Lookout Pass.


One very versatile playlist is my "Smooth and Easy" playlist and its jammed packed with some Sinatra, Harry Connick Jr, Ella Fitzgerald and Tony Bennett. I've even managed to get my real Dad (Rod Stewart) on there with his sultry version of I Don't Wanna Talk About It and I love listening to it after the kids have gone to bed. I have a glass of wine and fold laundry, or look at a magazine or snuggle with Hot Jeff. This playlist is versatile because it can be the perfect baby-makin' music or the perfect break-up blues playlist. A melancholy lady could cry for hours while listening to In the Wee Small Hours of the Morning or I'll Be Seeing You.


Finally, my 80's playlist, made by the assistance and insistence of Hot Jeff pretty much brings down the house. This playlist is a must for laying out in the backyard getting some sun. And while I'm laying out in the sun my kids usually interrupt me so I start working in the garden or pulling weeds and I just love me some Bon Jovi, Rick Springfield and BOY GEORGE. I could just listen to Betty Davis Eyes, Hold Me Now and If You Like Pina Coladas all.day.long. And are you kidding me, what woman in her 30's doesn't imagine kissing Andrew McCarthy every time she hears If You Leave? Not me.


So what are your favorite playlists? Do you just like a good beat or do lyrics mean something and remind you of a certain time and place? What playlists get you going? Which ones make you want to kick back and drink wine by candlight? Be specific because I may want to make one like it.

The G Spot
(Monday Edition)

Dear G Spot,
My vajay-jay is always so smelly! I shower once a day, use that FDA spray and wipe with those wonderful smelling female wipes and yet...kinda smelly. During my period it is actually better because I wear a tampon all the time. Should I start douching? I always heard that killed the good bacteria as well as the bad but is that advice for women who douche too often?
- Smelly in Seattle

Dear Smelly in Seattle,
Thanks for your great question.

Soooo many women wonder about this and I wish more of them would actually ask the question. If more women asked the question, we would have a lot more happy vagina's in the world.

Let me break it down for you...1) Your vagina is supposed to smell like vagina. It's not supposed to smell like lilacs or summer breezes so the first thing you need to do is evaluate your perspective. Do you think your vagina is "smelly" or do others including your husband think that it's "smelly"?

2) If, after you've polled your neighbors and your husband about the smell coming from your vagina, you determine that it is in fact "foul" you need to get that checked out. Let's be clear though, "foul odor" from the vagina is akin to the smell of something rotting or dying and is the kind of odor that makes you want to throw up in your mouth a little if you get a really strong whiff of it. Chances are that your husband wouldn't want to put his face anywhere near a "foul odor". If your vagina smells like a fish market, you also want to get that checked out. That means make an appointment with your local gynecologist and woman-up for the pants-down exam by a trained professional.

3) If, after you've polled your neighbors and your husband about the smell coming from your vagina, you determine that your vagina does in fact...smell like vagina. You need to relax.

There are some things that you can do to make your vagina the most hospitable and welcoming place that it can be: Stop using those sprays and wipes. They are evil and can damage the delicate tissue of your most secret place and forever change the pH balance of your vagina making it an awful, hateful place for penises - I know you don't want that! Do NOT squirt any kind of cleansing/perfuming douche up your vagina. If God had intended your vagina to smell like a summer breeze, it would. Since it doesn't, I can only imagine that God intended for it to smell like... vagina. Wear cotton underwear - it's not sexy but it's sexier than staanky vagina. Sleep without any underwear on and allow your vagina to breathe at night. After you shower, use a blow dryer on med/low heat for just a few seconds on your vagina. This will help dry the environment before you trap it in your pants all day.

So, if this smelliness of the vagina is relatively new, it's possible that you have a bacterial infection. If it's something that you've noticed most of your adult life, it's probably just the smell of your vagina. Don't be too quick to try to get rid of that smell. As gross as it is to us, the vagina smell is actually full of pheromones and is part of what attracts men to the vagina. Ponder that....

Got a question for The G Spot? Leave a comment, keep anonymous if it makes you feel more comfortable!



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Introducing Something Really Fabulous

As you may have noticed I don't have nearly the time to blog as much as I would like to. And I do miss it and more than missing blogging I hate Christy Lowry's hateful comments about how I never blog anymore. Hateful I say.

So I'm going to pull a little Oprah trick. I'm going to make a medical person famous by letting them be a guest on my show blog.

Last week I had a cooter question and so I asked one of my Besties, who happens to be a OBGYN nurse, the question. She emailed me back the most hilarious, yet informative, email I have ever read. Not only did it answer my question but it made me laugh. Out loud. And I don't mean 'lol' like the schoolers use but actually laughed out loud until I pee'd my pants a little bit (which could be a topic for her to talk about).

I'm not sure I want to use her real name because I'm afraid some crazy person will misuse her medical advice, die of cervical cancer and sue us; that's why you'll see some legal disclaimer on all of her guest posts. But she is fabulous and her name does start with a "G" which is how I came up with the genius name of her posts: The G Spot. Love it.

So here's how it will work: you send me questions through comments. G will read them and then answer them once a week (we still haven't settled on the day of the week her reoccurring posts will appear). This is your chance to ask anything regarding women's health: sexual, physical, emotional, mental, etc that you have questions about.

I only have one guy reader, that I know of, the fabulous Dr. Goose but he's a doctor so he shouldn't mind The G Spot. Plus, guys can ask questions about women's health too! Come on Goose, send them our way; Daisy will appreciate it.

For the rest of you, what are you curious about? Is something going on that's concerning you? Wondering if you need to see a doctor? Need advice about something--leave your question in the comments or email or Facebook me. Feel free to leave your name off and be "Anonymous", G will answer it either way.

I'm not even going to lie to you...I am watching "Bachelor Pad". I swore I wouldn't but Hot Jeff the evil TV temptress got me hooked...just like he always does. I swear that man is in cohorts with ABC. You know, its not nearly as trashy as the previews and the EW reviews made it out to be--not to mention Chris Harrison calling it "spectacular"! "Bachelor Pad" is just like Big Brother but with more kissing. And crying. I think "Bachelor Pad" is like those Sweet Valley High books I read in junior high. Minus the entitled twins driving around in a Fiat.


Since I have a love of all things "Bachelor" it is only fair that you know that I internet stalked Roberto and my suspicions were correct...he is a State Farm agent. In my internet stalking I found out he had applied for a California insurance license and although that tipped me off to him being Ali's final pick I was surprised he didn't start his agency in Oregon so that I could work for him and so that Ali and I could become the bestest of besties that we are meant to be.

I'm pretty certain that somehow in the State Farm universe Roberto and I will meet and Hot Jeff and I will become he and Ali's best couple friends. We will give them marital advice and someday down the road we'll give them advice on how feed their babies and get them to sleep through the night. And they will buy a house next door to us and Ali and I will shop at TJ Maxx together.

I'm pretty certain that when ABC does Roberto and Ali's wedding in a 2 hour special you will see Hot Jeff and I up there as their best man and maid of honor. Hot Jeff and I will be up there smiling through happy tears and wearing designer wedding clothes that we didn't have to pay for but look really awesome in. In fact--I'm going to start writing a song that I can dedicate to them and that they can dance to for their first dance. In it, I will play the didgeridoo. I've wanted to learn to play the didgeridoo since my elementary principal, Mrs. Thorndal, went to Madagascar and came to our class and showed her slides. The didgeridoo is not for the faint of heart.

My only hope is that while at the reception I can dance with Craig. Or at least Craig's hair.

Ok, so we're clear: "Bachelor Pad"= Things I Like.

It has been so long since I wrote on my blog that it made me sign in. Like it kind of thought the author of this blog must have died in a tragic gasoline fight accident and was certain an imposter was trying to get on and write positive comments about Republicans or something. I love its devotion to me and that it made me sign in just to be sure no one got on and wrote nice things about Republicans on here.

I know I owe you some kind of sincere apology for not writing in 2 weeks but the truth is I just don't have it in me. I haven't missed blogging one bit. I think its because I'm too darn busy to miss it. BUT I will say this, your emails, comments and Facebook notes have meant the absolute world to me. Really. It touches my heart to know that my ramblings make a difference in your life; that somehow the words I write make you smile, laugh or stop and think. I love that. And that's actually why, despite wanting to take a bubble bath, I'm writing a blog post.

So...here's what's going on.

I love being back at work. It makes me happy. And when I say happy I want you to hear it like I say it, like with the aaaaaaaaa all drawn out and the y too. Like haaaaaaaaaaappeeeeeeeeeee. I love using my knowledge, gifts, education and love for people in an office where I'm valued, appreciated and acknowledged. I work with AMAZING people and it turns I out I have freak steel trap for a memory which has made the 3 years I was out of the biz feel like 3 days. I got my 24 CE credits in less than a month and am now back to being licensed. Which all brings me to my conversation with Samuel last night.

Samuel: Mom, what do you do at work?
Me: I help people with their insurance.
Samuel: Oh. I thought you made toilet paper.

And speaking of toilet paper...

Jeff and I bought ourselves some bikes. And one of those fancy bike trailers to tow little Roo in and we are like the Brady's with our little trio of bikes and trailer riding all over Salem. Something I never really paid much attention to, until now, is the amount of hills in our neighborhood. And I'm talking like the Sound-of-Music-the-hills-are-alive-and-kicking-my-ass hills.

Since we got the bikes I've been the one riding trailer-less. And I think I am just made for biking because it is so much fun. I'm asking myself questions like "This is so awesome, why didn't we buy bikes years ago" and thinking of buying biking attire and crap like that. Then, on Tuesday I got home from work at 3:30 and was thinking I could use some exercise so I strapped the trailer on and PUT BOTH KIDS IN IT because I didn't want to have to "wait around for Samuel". I'm thinking Samuel is too slow and I'm such a fabulous biker and am going to go out and ride like the wind and take names later and can't be bothered by the slow 4 year old on training wheels.

So yes, my neighborhood has hills. Lots of them. Lots of steep hills and towing that trailer that weighs 7000 pounds and two children who weigh at least 150 pounds EACH nearly killed me. No lie, I literally thought I was going to die.

And here's the saddest part: the last 90 yards or so to my driveway is a slight hill and I COULD NOT GET UP IT. I had to walk the bike and trailer the last 90 yards to my house. Past my gawking neighbors. Past the laughing and pointing children at the park across the street. In front of my children who will forever have the indelible image of their mother WALKING HER BIKE up the hill to her home.

When I told Hot Jeff the story later that night he laughed.

I hate him.

And since I wrote a Samuel funny I'll leave with a Roo one. These kids crack me up. Thank God they are funny; I would hate to have un-funny kids.

Me: Roo, finish your milk before you go outside.
Emily: Why?
Me: Because it will make you strong.
Emily: I'm already strong.