Thursday, September 30, 2010
But Just For Today
Don't worry ladies, the G Spot will resume (I think) next week. The G in G Spot has a life. I know, I know it doesn't seem fair, does it? Yep, she's shirking her blogging duties for her real life and while I'm as bummed as you are I am not a task master so I gave her the day off. She will be back next week to delight us and answer our questions so you better post some questions or I'm going to ask her about my awful Urinary Tract Infection...
Yep, I am SO going there. I am so going to put the Too in Too Much Information. I'm not going there right away but will get there eventually and you'll get a whole lot of other useless knowledge about me as well.
It begins with me not being able to sleep tonight which is as ironic as it is troublesome because all I've done for the last 6 days is sleep. 2 weekends ago I started feeling the symptoms of a bladder infection or Urinary Tract Infection; it wasn't terribly bothersome but bothersome enough and like any infection it zapped me of energy. By Monday I was feeling fine and went about my week. That takes us to this last weekend where I was a total and complete sloth. Layin' around feelin' all slothlike, taking more naps than usual and having zero energy to do anything but go upstairs and nap some more.
Monday morning was fine, still tired but fine but by Monday afternoon I was peeing fire. (And here we go with the TMI...) Seriously, tears-in-my-eyes-bite-down-on-something-solid-where-is-the-fire-extinguisher pain in my girly parts. Called my Doc, she called in a heavy dose of antibiotics, angel from Heaven next door neighbor Melissa went and picked it up along with some of that urethra numbing, pee staining stuff and I was on my way to wellness. So I thought.
Tuesday: painfully tired. Wednesday: painfully tired, vomiting, back pain, painfully tired. Thursday: still a little nauseated, still painfully tired but overall feeling like the antibiotics are kicking in and that I'm not going to die from undetected, stage 4, metastatic bladder cancer. I know, what a relief, eh?
So this brings me to why I can't sleep. For being so tired you'd think I could sleep right? Well to add insult to injury to my miserable life my home is in shambles. I haven't done much cooking or cleaning or laundry in the last week and the house is looking like it. It looks like a 2 and a 4 year old live here and they don't have a mother and their Dad doesn't give a rip about laundry or clean dishes. And when my home is in shambles it stresses me out and I don't deal with stress like most people. Most people get a headache or they drink 2 beers or they go target practicing or ok, its true, I really have no idea what most people do when they are stressed out but I'm pretty sure they don't completely melt down with a panic attack. That's what I did.
Because I am awake and because I am self-aware I know what triggered it. We were putting the kids down after a perfectly normal evening and Emily couldn't find her binkies and she was FREAKING OUT because she couldn't find her binkies. And of course I couldn't find her binkies and all I could see were piles of laundry, strewn about shoes, strewn about toys and piles of mail that needed to be sorted. Finally after frantically, and I mean frantically searching for binkies I found 2 (she needs one to suck and one to rub her nose with) and put her to bed. Hot Jeff was putting Samuel down and somehow, literally by the grace of God I was able to push through the tightening in my chest to sing Emily a song and get her down before my heart exploded. Someone give me a Mother-of-the-Year Award stat.
As soon as I walked out of her room this insane pressure filled my head and I felt dizzy and short of breath. I seriously felt like there were weights on my chest and that the house was being spun like a top. I went downstairs and outside and stared up at the starry sky and tried to picture the fresh night air filling my lungs back up. Later I explained to Jeff that I felt like my heart was a balloon that when you squeeze it it gets really thin and pale and you know you could pop it with the slightest touch.
Recognizing that I was indeed having a panic attack and not a heart attack I went to Jeff, who was reading, and told him what I was feeling instead of calling an ambulance. I did all the things you're supposed to like breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth and self-talk that it was just anxiety and it would pass. I said out loud to Jeff, "There really isn't a semi on my chest. There really isn't a semi on my chest. There really isn't a semi on my chest" until I finally believed it.
Then we watched Grey's Anatomy and I felt much better.
With all of that said, my ferocious bladder infection caused me to feel crummy all week leading to me falling off the housewife duties leading me to not be able to find binkies leading me to have a debilitating panic attack leading to way too much adrenaline being released in my body leading to me not being able to sleep at 11:52pm on a Thursday night leading me to write a blog post in place of The G Spot. And its probably because of my own G spot that led me to having too much sex-a-roni with Hot Jeff which probably is how I got the darn UTI in the first place.
I think the word we're looking for here is circuitous.
How do you deal with stress? Have you ever had a panic attack? Do you target practice?
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Right now I am at the Broadway Coffee House and there are no children clamoring around my legs. There are no dishes in the sink threatening to fall over. There is no laundry piled on the couch giving me glances and daring me to go one more day without putting it away. There isn't a dinner waiting to be made? There's aren't 2 sets of pre-schooler eyes looking at me like I am the anti-christ because I just had the audacity to serve them something that does start with macaroni and end in cheese.
Is This Heaven?
I'm pretty certain it isn't Heaven. The headache I've had for 2 days is still pounding away letting me know of its presence and although I have never read it with my own 2 eyes I am pretty sure somewhere in the Bible it says there are no headaches in Heaven. There are no bladder infections either. Another indicator I am still on Earth.
I'm waiting for a programming meeting to begin; well actually I'm waiting for my programming team members to get here so that the meeting can begin. They are late. I am thankful. I'm just going to sit here with Ruby and soak up the delicious coffee aromas and listen to the weird coffee house music playing.
What is the deal with weird coffee house music?
Friday, September 24, 2010
My question is about dryness issues. I have tried different types of lubricants, but none of them seem to last for the entire experience. I usually have to reapply at least once before my husband and I, shall we say, reach the "grand finale". What can I do?
- Dry in Denver
Dear Dry in Denver, thanks for your great question. Like all of the other questions we've addressed in this blog-spot, you pose a question that many, many other women are wondering about so thank you for womaning-up and asking it!
Vaginal dryness can be a really bothersome issue. It can make sex unpleasant or downright painful and it can make your vagina an unhappy place on a regular basis. There are several causes of vaginal dryness and several things that you can do it address it - you do NOT have to just "deal" with a sandpaper between your legs sensation for the rest of your life.
One thing that can cause vaginal dryness is menopause. If that's your situation in Denver then listen up. Estrogen is really the life-giving source to the vagina. Estrogen is what makes your vagina a lush and inviting environment and your uterus a fertile ground. Like we talked about a couple of weeks ago, menopause is an estrogen killer and it wants nothing more than to rob your vagina of it's life-giving source and leave it a cracked and barren wasteland. You need to arm yourself and take back your vagina! If vaginal dryness is your only issue, you can take a localized approach. Vitamin E capsules can be inserted in the vagina, one every night at bedtime. Overnight, the capsule dissolves and the vitamin E is absorbed locally and nourishes your vaginal tissue. You can add natural estrogens to your diet by eating soybeans and other soy based products. So, take your husband out for Chinese food, load up on the Edemame and take him home for a fabulous roll in the hay. Okay, it doesn't work that quickly but increasing dietary estrogen will ultimately increase the amount of estrogen in your system which will ultimately replenish your dry and unhappy vagina. If you've eaten enough soy beans to support a farmer and his family and you have so many vitamin E capsules shoved up your vagina that you wonder if there would even be room for a penis and you're still experiencing dryness issues, you're going to have to woman up again and pay a visit to your local gynecologist. He or she may prescribe an estrogen cream that you apply directly to the vagina and the labia. I have it on good authority from patients and a personal friend that the prescription estrogen cream can be the golden ticket to bringing the action back to your bedroom.
If you're not in any stage of menopause and are in fact 32, have 6 small kids at home, drink 4 cans of diet coke a day, and can run circles around any old lady you know but also experience vaginal dryness, you too are not alone. Menopause isn't the only thing that causes vaginal dryness - see you were worried for a moment that you are in fact a freak of nature, but you're not. First of all, all of the above stuff can work for you too so try the edemame, the vitamin E capsules, and the prescription estrogen cream. Also try putting down your 4 cans of diet coke.....WHAT?!?!?!? Seriously. While caffeine may seem like your only answer to getting through the day with 6 small kids at home, it's also a diuretic which is a fancy way of saying its a dehydrator. Yep, the same diet coke that makes you pee a lot and doesn't exactly make your skin look luminous can dry up your vagina so think carefully about how much caffeine you're taking in every day. You've also got to think about hygiene and drying chemicals that you may be exposing your vagina to. If you didn't read the first blog-spot and you haven't put down your summer breezes vagina spray - do it now! Those feminine sprays and douches are damaging to the delicate vaginal tissue and they can be very drying. If you take your kids to the local pool every afternoon in hopes of losing one or two of them in the crowd, you might be overexposing your vagina to harsh chlorine that can also be very drying.
Make sure that you and your husband are spending enough time on sex and getting in plenty of foreplay. Foreplay is critical for a woman and is the part of the sexual experience that cues the body to provide adequate lubrication. If you're not warmed up enough, you're not going to be lubed up enough - bottom line. If you've tried all of the things I've mentioned and you're only experiencing vaginal dryness during intercourse and you are spending plenty of time on foreplay then you're already doing the right thing - bringing in the lube. Use a good quality lubricant though and in my opinion, that wouldn't be anything that starts with a kay and ends with a why. Look for Astroglide or an equivalent, while it may be a bit more expensive it's also more like your own natural lubrication and works better. I think that your vagina deserves the best and if you don't, you should ponder that...
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
If you were on tonight's prayer request email list then the next paragraph will be a little bit redundant for you but bear with me for a few lines while the rest of 'em catch up.
Bestie Cary's mom is the programming director for a Young Moms group in Albany and they kick off their year this week. About a month ago Meredith (Cary's mom) asked me to speak to the moms; I was very humbled and honored and accepted.
And then I went on vacation and totally forgot about it until Meredith emailed me this afternoon asking me if I needed anything for this Thursday's event.
Holy crap...this Thursday??
Last night I referenced the journey God is just beginning to take me on regarding authenticity and living an authentic life. Of course, because that's what I'm reading and praying about that's what is on my mind for sharing with these sweet mama's on Thursday. Yet, I'm also really passionate about praying for our children (despite my lame and non-existent PYKM's lately) and have a heart for moms who compare themselves to other moms (pretty much every mother) and how much harder that makes their journey and how it is not where God wants them to live and how He desires for them to see themselves as He sees them: precious daughters redeemed by Him and chosen for an eternal purpose of raising children.
Ok, so because I use this blog as a way to process I'm going to process my thoughts on all of the above and how it may all work together. Oh lucky you. If it all seems rhetorical and redundant I am really, really sorry. If it sounds like bunk, leave a comment. If you have some Scripture to back up my rambles, leave a comment. Ah heck, just leave a comment.
Soooo...what if living an authentic life begins with believing the Truth about who I am in Christ and not believing the lies the enemy tells me? If I'm going to be ok with who I am, actually love myself the way Christ loves me, to see myself with all my faults, quirks, scars and imperfections and still know that I am deeply and perfectly loved I need to immerse myself in His Word--the Word that reminds me of who I am in Christ.
As a mother, I can't possibly begin to teach my children about how much Christ loves them if I don't know how much He loves me. It is imperative that I spend time in His Word (ideally every day) to saturate myself in His love and promises.
Just as God has called us to authentic living, He has called us to be mothers (remember I'm speaking to a group of young mothers so the "us" is the group...) and as mothers we must believe that our homes are sacred places where we raise and pray for our children. Our homes need to be safe places where our children can be themselves, learn from their mistakes, not be afraid to make messes and where they are continuously pointed to the Savior. We can help our children in ways that we cannot see and in ways we can't imagine by praying for them; their daily needs and their mental, physical and spiritual needs.
Often times, because I struggle with comparing myself to other mothers and wives, I find myself in a terrible rut of feeling like my kids are going to grow up and be dirty pigs who have great taste in music but are way too fond of margaritas. I am a less than perfect housekeeper and the enemy knows he can speak lies into my heart and mind and defeat me as a person, mother and wife on a daily basis. On the flip side, if I can be truthful with myself about my areas of weakness and confess I need the help of a Savior ON EVERY FRONT than I am 1) being authentic and 2) defeating lies with Truth.
My home doesn't define me. The cleanliness of my kitchen or my bathrooms don't define me. I am a daughter of the King; my identity rests in Him and His redeeming blood. I am more than a wife. I am more than a mother. I am more than a housekeeper. I am His beloved.
Ok, I'm tired of rambling and processing and writing. I think its helped getting some thoughts on "paper". I am sorry if its preachy or boring or redundant. I did warn you though.
Monday, September 13, 2010
All day long I had been planning on writing about authenticity and the journey I believe God is just starting to take me on regarding living an authentic life.
How do you even go about getting this fun look? I think it starts with paint. And throw pillows. And perhaps a hardcore built-in bookshelf. I think the keyword I'm looking for is eclectic. Anyone with me? Shannon, are you still reading? It appears I will need to get a large rug and perhaps have Samuel clean up the 137 Lightning McQueen cars.
What is that stuff on the ceiling?
I am in over my head. And I need a new label.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Your Questions, Real Answers
Dear G Spot,
I'm loving my 30's but am already dreading my 40's when all THOSE changes start. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited about not having a period; I'm just not excited about all the other stuff that comes with it. To make matters worse, I have no idea what that stuff is. Questions abound.
Signed, Apprehensive and Excited in Salem
Dear Apprehensive and Excited,
It sure does seem like women spend their entire lives dealing with change in their own bodies, doesn't it? As a hallmark to the end of childhood, just when you've mastered the art of walking and chewing gum at the same time, you sprouted "breast buds" that completely threw off your center of balance and you started bleeding from a part of your body that still seemed unspeakable.
As a teen, the buds blossomed and you got comfortable enough with the bleeding vagina to give it nicknames and talk about it with your friends which made you, "feel like a woman". Maybe in your 20's you got married and you discovered that the body you had spent so many years getting comfortable with was an entirely different body, one you'd never even met let alone lived in,when in the hands of you new husband came.
If my guess is right, just when you felt like you had your groove going, a living, breathing, alien-creature took up residence in your body and suddenly your body contorted and changed in ways that made you feel both awe-struck and a little bit disgusted.
Maybe now you're in another one of those beautiful phases of life where you are totally in-tune with your body. You know exactly what to do with and expect from the body that belongs to you and your always on stand-by dead sexy husband. However, there looms in the distance the fear of the next phase that is so monumental that it's no longer referred to as "a" change but "The" change.
Personally, I'm a firm believer that women are so skilled at dealing with their changing body that the phrase, "the change" should be banished from your vocabulary. Call it "a change" if you must but if you want to look cool in front of your friends, call it "the menopausal transition".
Then get super hip to the lingo and throw out phrases like peri-menopausal and post-menopausal and phytoestrogens, and please, please don't start using phrases like bioidentical hormones unless you really, really know what you're talking about. If you use that one only because you heard it on Oprah, you will be the woman whose gyno just shakes their head, unless of course your gyno watches Oprah too when they should be reading the most recent publication from the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists....I digress.
What most women think of as menopause is actually peri-menopause. It is during peri-menopause that you may notice changes with your period - cycles that are longer, flow that is heavier or lighter, unpredictability when you used to set your calendar to your body and the like.
You may also experience changes with your vagina - the same vagina that first learned to accommodate a tampon and later became so versatile that it could accommodate either your husband's penis or your child's head may suddenly shudder at the thought of anything touching it's dry and paper-thin tissue. You may also experience changes in your mood - increased sensitivity, decreased sensitivity, tearfulness, or if you're like my mom was, a complete loss of your mental faculties and a need for a 12-step program to address your new anger issue. You may also experience changes with your internal thermostat - you may find yourself wakened at night by a surge of heat followed up a bone-chilling sweat or you might need to dress in light layers like it's spring all the time because one minute you're hot and then next you're cold. The good news is, peri-menopause may only last a year. The bad news is, it may last for several years. The good news is you may only have a couple of these symptoms. The bad news is, you may have them all. My guess is that if you are one of those women who quote, "has a fast metabolism" you'll probably also be one of those women who quote, "didn't even notice when my periods stopped" - that theory isn't based on medical evidence though, just life observation from the back of the boob line.
A woman is considered to be peri-menopausal until she hasn't had a period for an entire year. That means if you haven't had a period in 8 months but then are blessed with one out of the blue while wearing white pants at your parents' anniversary party, you start the clock all over again. Once you make it past that 12 month mark and you haven't had a period in over a year, you are considered post-menopausal.
So, when exactly did "menopause" happen? Menopause is technically defined as the permanent cessation of menstruation. Honestly, after more than a decade as a womens' health medical professional, the best I can figure,the moment of menopause is the moment you reach the 12 months without a period mark. So, keep track of that date, plan a party, get a pedicure, go out with your girlfriends and when people ask you what you're celebrating tell them, "it's my menopause".
The burning question for most women in their 30's is, "when will I start going through menopause?" - which you now know should be phrased, "when will I begin the menopausal transition?". The scientific answer is, "go ask your mother". No really, talk to your mom and your aunts and your grandmother if you can. Find out when they first started experiencing symptoms of peri-menopause. Unless you have medical issues that make your situation significantly different than other women in your family, chances are that you will have a similar experience with timing as they did. The average age of menopause in the US is 51 and menopause before age 40 is considered premature menopause. So, if you're 30 you have either 10 good years left or 10 long years to wait, depending on your perspective. So ponder that.....
Please leave a question for upcoming weeks. You know you have one so stop being a chicken and ask it. Remain anonymous if you must.
Friday, September 3, 2010
How do I help my husband keep his ejaculation longer? He's great during foreplay but as soon as there is penetration he ejaculates; is there something he or I can do to make intercourse last longer?
Wanting More in Baltimore
Dear Wanting More,
Hold on to your knickers because I've got an answer for you but it's not for the faint of heart!
First of all, let me say that The G Spot does not endorse or approve of "sexual relations" outside the context of holy matrimony, you know the whole solemn vow before God and witnesses thing. The good Lord created the G spot (not referring to this blog feature) and I'm guessing that He hoped that you would find it and find it often but I haven't come across anywhere in the Bible where He talks about finding it with just any Joe on the street.
If you don't believe me, may I direct you to the Song of Solomon or as I like to call it, God's Guide to Getting It On. So, if you're experiencing this "problem" outside the context of holy matrimony, my advice to you is to quit shaggin' what you ought not be shaggin' and get yourself into a Bible study. If on the other hand you are trying to achieve a sort of sexual utopia with your hunky husband than I suggest you keep reading :)
Let me clarify your question a bit. I don't think that you want your husband's ejaculation to last longer because that would just be...well....a lot. I'm thinking that you're really hoping that he can stay a bit longer in that awesome state of arousal that comes before ejaculation. You are not alone and your husband isn't either. Seriously, about one third of men experience what you're describing which is called premature ejaculation. "Premature" doesn't mean that he has a little bitty baby penis, it means he gets the job done ahead of schedule and under his original bid. If you were working on a kitchen remodel that would be awesome but since you're probably working on that sometimes elusive female orgasm, it's what I like to call "no bueno".
Understand that while premature ejaculation is very common, it's not something that guys banter about in the locker room or on the links and it's likely to be a touchy subject for your husband. Be loving and sensitive to that and be sure to let him know that you're not dissatisfied and in fact are so excited about what he has to offer during foreplay that you'd like the good times to go on and on and on....Anyway, speaking of touchy, you've got to get comfortable with touchy because you're going to be doing a lot of it if you want to help your husband and believe me, you want to help your husband with this :)
You need to understand a little bit about the male sexual experience in order to better understand what's going on and your role in changing things for the better. The female sexual experience can be looked at as a rolling, gentle curve with valleys and peaks that get higher and higher and....well you know where I'm going....The male sexual experience can be looked at as a more boxy, linear line that goes straight up (no pun intended), turns to the right and then shoots off the chart. That turn to the right is called a plateau phase and it's the phase where your guy is fully aroused but has not yet experienced an orgasm or ejaculation. In your situation the plateau phase doesn't last as long as you'd like it to so you've got to help train your husband and his boys to stay in the plateau stage for as long as you need him to. Bake cookies or a pie, that always tends to make men stick around a little longer....Seriously, an easy training method is called the start and stop technique.
I know, you'd think this would be easy for guys since they are always starting a project or flipping to a new channel and then getting side tracked and leaving it for later but with sex, it's a whole different thing.....In order to use this training method you're going to have to go to that touchy place where you're comfortable putting your hands on your husband's penis. If you're not comfortable putting your hands on your husband's penis then I might have a whole other blog topic coming.....anyway....The idea of the start/stop technique is that you start manually stimulating the penis and bring your husband to a complete state of arousal, having him pay very close attention to when he is approaching what is commonly referred to as "the point of no return". Just as he is approaching the "point of no return", stop what you're doing and allow him to retreat from that place a bit which usually takes about 30 seconds. Start working your magic and once again bring your husband just to that brink. Initially you may only be able to do this once or twice before he has to "tap out" shall we say, but after several sessions over several days, you should find that you have successfully prolonged that plateau stage. You can then take the technique and apply it during a full body sexual encounter, changing positions or backing off just a bit as your husband approaches the point of no return if you're not right there with him. Over time, you will most likely find that your husband is able to keep a steady pace with you and the two of you can fall back onto the covers with your hair messed up and a glassy look in your eyes, just like the couple on those terribly tasteless personal lubricant commercials.
A word of caution: Don't approach your husband in a pair of coveralls and a tool belt or a drill sergeant's uniform and a whistle and inform him that you guys have some work to do and he and his boys are going to be whipped into shape in no time. If you must go the tool belt route, make sure that you aren't wearing anything else and if there needs to be a whistle, make sure it's a sort of cat call that let's your guy know that you think he's drop dead sexy. Use plenty of lubrication and bring a healthy sense of humor and remember that while you hold your husband's penis in your hand you hold all of his pride as well so ponder that....
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
So yesterday I
I come from a long line of funny and irreverent women both on my Mom's side and my not-real Dad's side. So it was no surprise to my Mom that by the age of 4 I "got" her jokes and wickedly fresh sense of humor.
One evening when I was about 6 or 7 my Mom was in our tiny apartment's even tinier bathroom primping for a date with Roy. We all called him "Roy Boy" and for that reason alone I can be thankful that things didn't work out between he and my Mom and that he didn't become my step dad or I may be riding on the back of a hawg on my to Sturgis right now instead of writing this post in my pajamas in my sweet little suburb neighborhood.
Anyway, I remember this evening and the bathroom perfectly. I can still see the little wood plaques with a little boy and a little girl painted on them. They each had those big mushroomy looking hats on and were wearing green. You could see them from wherever you stood in the bathroom because even if you had your back to them you could see their reflection in the mirror.
My Mom was primping in the mirror and I was sitting on the closed toilet seat lid adoringly watching her put on her makeup. She was beautiful and I wanted to be just like her. That evening she looked particularly gorgeous because she was wearing the-most-awesome-brown-cowboy-boots-ever. They were super hot looking, not cowpokey, and when she wore them I always had to help peel her out of them. "Pull Jenny, pull" and I would pull until the boot came flying off and I would fall to my boney butt from the force of it; Mom and I would giggle as I stood up to do the other one.
We were listening to our favorite record, Rod Stewart! It was the one where he's wearing that shiny pink shirt and has flowy blond hair on the cover. Dreamy. Mom stopped singing Maggie May and slowly put her mascara wand back in its tube. She looked at me earnestly and said, "Rod Stewart is your real dad". She sighed and went back to applying her mascara.
Again, totally getting my Mom's sense of humor I knew it was a fabulous lie and remarkably to this day we still have the ongoing "joke" that Rod Stewart is my real dad.
Somewhere in Montana my Mom is clutching her heart and gasping for air right now because I just shared this story with the whole wide world internet. Breathe deeply Mom, breathe deeply. No one can call child services on you 28 years later.
And so this brings us to the State Fair story and my Dad. The real one. Well the not-real one since Rod is my real one.
My Dad split when he found out my Mom was pregnant. You can't blame him--here she had been having a steamy affair with Rod Stewart all this time; you can't expect a guy to stick around after he learns that so he did what any guy would do in his situation: he became a carnie. A State Fair carnie. Wow, I am so proud of my roots right now it is friggin' ridiculous.
And legend has it that on that early Autumn night in September '76 when I was born somehow my Mom got word to him that he had a daughter and not having in cigars handy, he passed out cigarettes to all his carnie buddies.
God bless the Tilt-a-Whirl, Its a Girl!