Monday, October 19, 2009

Broken promises.

I suppose I'm not the only one who has ever been disillusioned by broken promises. Mine came from my dad a few days ago and try as I may I haven't been able to shake the disappointment.

My dad has never been a part of my life. He and Mom were never married and he pretty much split when it came time to take any responsibility. Due to my good relationship with his side of the family he's been "around", albeit indirectly and from a distance.

In the last 10 years he's attempted to be a bigger part, much to no avail. And although I have been reluctant, I have been willing but it always falls through because of his issues, is chemical dependency and his utter inability to keep his word.

Last week was no different. A random phone call asking to come over that evening for a quick visit. A time was set. He called minutes before that time to say he was running late. Then a half hour passed. An hour. Two hours. Three hours. After keeping my kids up past their bedtime and tired of looking at the clock we all went to bed.

4 days have passed. No phone call. No explanation. No excuse. Just another broken promise.

I won't even get into the range of emotions I have experienced over the last 4 days but will say I have landed on sad. Sad for him. Sad for me. Sad that I'm done trying and sad that he doesn't know how to love.

The night that it happened my sweet, sweet Shannon sent me a text that said, "Remember how much your heavenly Father loves you". In the last 4 days I have pulled that text up on my phone and read it countless times. I knew God was here with me but I couldn't hear him; I wasn't feeling silence per se, I just didn't hear a clear voice.

Until tonight.

And it came in the funniest way.

Samuel's devotion tonight was about God keeping His promises. God spoke to me through a preschooler's devotion. My God is so cool.

God is not a man, that he should lie,
nor a son of man, that he should change his mind.
Does he speak and then not act?
Does he promise and not fulfill? (Numbers 23:19)

And so when He says, He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds*, I believe it. I take that promise and wrap it around me like a blanket and I let it comfort me and soothe old wounds like a salve.

And when He says, A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling*, I claim it. I grasp my stake of hope and I pound it in to the ground of my heart.

Friends, I get your emails and I read your comments: I know I'm not the only one hurting. I'm not the only one who is disappointed. I'm not the only one who feels like they got taken. Again. So if you're reading this and you're ready to give in or give up: hold fast.

To everyone who's hurting
To those who've had enough
To all the undeserving
That should cover all of us
Please do not let go
I promise there is hope
Hold fast
Help is on the way
Hold fast
He's come to save the day
What I've learned in my life
One thing greater than my strife
Is His grasp
So hold fast*

In my distress I called to the LORD;
I called out to my God.
From his temple He heard my voice;
my cry came to His ears.
2 Samuel 22:7
*Psalm 147:3
*Psalm 68:5
* Mercy Me's Hold Fast


Melissa said...

Thanks for sharing Jen! I often times feel angry that my boys will have to deal with all these emotions as well. But, the Lord is their deliverer, too. I cannot do it for them. Sad, yes...... but, aren't we so blessed to have such a wonderful Savior and Friend?

Amber said...

I love your heart in this post. Our Heavenly Father surpasses all the dreams of what an earthly daddy could ever hope to be. Rest in HIM, Jen. Rest in HIM.

bestie said...

this just makes me sad. for you, for me. thanks for the reminder that our heavenly father does love us!!

Anonymous said...

Jen, Thank God your children will never have to know that type of disappointment and the generational curse is broken. In times like these, even when it is the hardest to say, lift your "Dad" up to God. Your openness and honesty are so refreshing. Thank you for it all.
Love always,

Marya said...

Thanks! I needed to read this. I struggle with the same issue. Some days it's more than I can comprehend and other days I'm ok with his decisions although it puts me in a bad predictament with a sister I've never met (we chat and share on Facebook). Thanks for the reminder that I am never alone and my Father is always with me.