Saturday, January 30, 2010

Am I Being Too Honest?

Yep, still talking retreat stuff. Yep, still processing retreat stuff. Yep, still using my blog as a journal. If you’re looking for a funny story about parenting or poop or dinner prep come back in a week or so, I’m sure I’ll have something for ya. If you’re looking for a juicy diary entry then here you go.

This morning I was processing some retreat stuff with my sisters in Council; they all went to retreat also and so at our monthly meeting we spent some time debriefing. The time was especially meaningful for me because I have felt a little stuck in how to move what I learned, what I felt, things I heard God say from “retreat” into daily life. You know, how do I make the applicable things apply?

We spent some time praying in 3’s and as I prayed I felt this wave come over me of “a-ha”. I recognized it as “a-ha” because I had felt the same thing earlier in the week. Soon I heard myself confessing that I had been praying (over the last 6 months) for God to show my blind spots not so that I could become more like Him but so I would be more “likeable”.

Here’s the deal with me: I desperately want you to like me. I will say just about anything (or bite my tongue until it bleeds) so that you like me. In fact, I spend so much time trying to figure out what you want from me and how I can please you that I don’t cultivate true friendship and authenticity because I’m basically just trying to be who you want me to be.

I’m not sure where this desperation to please others comes from, and for the time being I’m ok not knowing, for now I have enough on my plate and am simply undone by the fact that I’m not sure exactly who I am if I’m not trying to please you.

I am aware of my gifts and talents but I’m not sure how to use them to glorify God instead of glorifying myself. The conundrum of course being if I bring glory to God and not myself will you still notice me? Will you still like me? Will you shower me with praise or will you give it to God, the One who ultimately deserves it?

After I got home from my meeting, God and I had a little talk. Actually, God did the talking and I just listened. He said something like this, “You are broken. I know it. You know it. People around you know it. You want to fix yourself so those around you won’t think you’re broken. I want to fix you because I want you to be more like Me. The glue you’re using to put your pieces back together…yeah, its not working. Its old glue. Its watered down glue. Its meant to cover up, not heal. You want your glue to dry clear so that no one ever knew you were broken, My glue won’t dry clear. Mine will leave marks and those marks will reflect My glory. Those marks will remind those around you that I use broken vessels all the time, in fact, I prefer them. Your glue is your glue. It is designed by you, made by you, and applied by you. My glue is made by Me; it IS Me. My glue is made up of Truth, healing, hope, rest…blood. My Son’s blood. Your glue is made up of selfish ambition and self-serving righteousness. Your glue is made up of fear and insecurity. Your glue won’t last. My glue is eternal.”

God probably would have talked to me all day but I was all Holy-Cow-God-is-Talking-To-Me-I-Gotta-Go-Tell-The-Internet-About-It and started writing this post…however, I feel God doing a little bit of work in my heart and mind about this people pleasing business I’m in to and also some stuff on standards so I’ll see where that goes.

To close these wickedly honest thoughts, I’ll write about how amazingly relentless our Father is. When I started praying for blind spots I had good intentions. I didn’t know at the time my intentions were rooted in selfish motive, pride and insecurity. God did. Yet He still has been uncovering them to me. Lovingly, slowly, never more than I can handle at one time, He’s been showing them to me. Now, ironically, He’s showing me a blind spot is how or rather why I prayed for blind spots and changing even that in me. God is relentless in His love for us. God is relentless in fulfilling His promise to complete a good work in us. God is relentless.


Joy for the Seasons said...

Look at what you just became more authentic and I am going to come back tomorrow anyway to see what you wrote next. :)

Jen said...

This is good process Jen - thanks for sharing it. I've had an a-ha myself, but I'm not sure how to explain it yet. You can watch my blog this week - I may post about it. Love you!!

Meredith said...

I REALLY needed to read this today. Thanks for being open, honest, and most of!!