Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Weight A Minute

If you read this blog regularly you know that nothing is off limits as far as what I will write about. From the boring day to day to my Jesus lovin' liberal political beliefs, I write about everything (and yes, that includes my garden which I'm pretty sure bores the heck out of you).

One thing I can't recall ever writing about is weight. My weight, your weight and everyone else's weight. I don't like the subject because I think if I don't write about it then it must not exist. On the contrary, MY WEIGHT (and incidentally yours) is always on my mind.

One of the ripple effects of going to Shannon's photo shoot this weekend was thinking about my body, my image of my body and my idea of what I think your idea of my body is. I know that's all convoluted and crazy isn't it? Bear with me.

For about the last 13 years I have been battling the bulge. And not just one bulge and not just 15 pounds but 2 or 3 bulges and 40 or 50 pounds. And on top of that it feels like I am always waiting to do something special or fun until "I lose a little weight". How many of us do that? Of course when Shannon, Valerie and Suzie were all telling me this weekend that I should do a sexy shoot for Hot Jeff my reply was, "After I lose some weight" with some pretty heinous, hateful things about "my fat ass" thrown in for good measure (thank you Suzie for bringing this to my attention and reintroducing the word "heinous" to my vocabulary).

First of all, I would never say such horrible things about anyone else so why would I say it about myself? I tell my kids that 'words hurt' and 'words have power' yet I denigrate myself with my thoughts and words and never even blink an eye or consider about what my own words are doing to my self-image and self-esteem.

Secondly, its not like I'm just sitting around being fat and not doing anything about it so I should give myself at least a little credit. I'm on a weight loss program called "Take Shape for Life" and have lost 30 pounds since February (you can lose 30 pounds in 3 months too--contact my Bestie Kara Brown for details). That's nothing to sneeze at yet I find myself minimizing the hard work I've done (with my comments about myself) and sabotaging myself and future weight loss but eating some of Samily's cheesy quesadilla (more on how I broke up with cheese in another post).

I don't mean to elevate myself and make this a post all about patting myself on the back but if I'm being honest, don't I deserve it? Heck yes I do. Yet I find myself putting myself down way more times than not. I don't hold myself to the same standard I hold others and that is that weight/size does not equate beauty yet it was clear to me on Saturday when I was quick to say I wouldn't do a photo shoot without losing more weight that I determine my own beauty by a number on my jeans.

Bestie Kim loaned me her book Captivating and it is really helping to change my perspective on God's heart for me, how He sees me (and considers me beautiful) and that I am created for beauty. Nevertheless, when it comes to jean sizes and BMI's it is hard to carry that philosophy over. So, I guess this is a journey I'm on with God right now and like most of my journeys with God it always takes longer than I want it to because I let my stupid, sinful self get in the way.

When I started this post I had a lot more to write about but now the midgets are asking me for lunch and I'm distracted so I have to stop blogging to go be a mother, oh puh-leeeeese. Will love to read your comments about your negative self-talk and how you battle it.


jana said...

I hear you. I'm only 5 weeks post-preggo and am beating myself up daily about the weight. Every time I see someone and they say, "You're looking good" I reply (in my head) "yeah, right!" We live in a society with impossibly high standards, don't we?

Anonymous said...

Girl! You know what I think! This is the journey that I have been on this year. It started with the book captivating and ended with my photo shoot. You know what? I am a different person now. I weigh exactly the same amount that I did then. These are still the 35 year old boobs that nursed two babies for over a year each but, darnit when I look in the mirror I see a beautiful woman!! You are beautiful! Stretch marks and saggy boobs are not God's mistake. We need to look to his idea of beauty and not the world's. Anyway, I could go on and on. I have to get off my soapbox now I have a pile of dirty laundry calling. Love you!! Heidi

Anonymous said...

Jen: good reminder that I would never say the things to others that I allow myself to say to myself. Thanks! Love you! - Cary

Anonymous said...

I think Heidi said it best - we are mammas! The Lord made us this way, he knew our boobies were going to hang to our knees and our bellies would need to be rolled up and stuffed into jeans. But look what we get out of it....BEAUTIFUL babies!! He thinks we are beautiful and who the heck are we to argue with the one who made us!! I do struggle everyday about this issue but am praying on it and with His help, we can battle and win this worldly crap image we have of what is beautiful!
-bestie k

ehoff said...

I'm probably considered a skinny bitch to some, and I am totally aware of fortunate I am with my figure. But that definitely first stop me from comparing myself to all the Victoria Secret skinny bitches. My friends probably think I'm crazy when I complain about my lack of plump twins, or my flame-style stretch marks on my hips, back, and tummy, but I'm still learning to appreciate what He gave me! Go Heidi for seeing how you truly are!
And Jen, while you were desperately trying to hold the curtains back for Shannon, I was totally imagining you in little somethings doing sexy poses, and what I imagined was AWESOME! You are SUCH a hot mama! You curvy gorgeous woman. I say do it. Don't wait for weight. Do it.
Doooooo iiiiiiiittttt. You'd look amazing.

Valerie said...

oh Jen, I love ya! You are beautiful, sexy AND rocking the weight loss! Seriously...you are MY motivation!! 30 lbs!!! That is so much and you do deserve a major pat on the back, sister!

Melissa said...

Captivating is good help..... but, as far as self and body-image are concerned, I got even more help from "The Search for Significance".

Lindsey Evenson said...

Yes! Yes! Yes! It is incredible the horrid things we are willing to say about ourselves - within earshot of our kids! Arg. Still, I think that real life, everyday men are not as hard on us as we are on ourselves. I've known quite a few overweight women (myself at certain times in my life) whose husbands look at them with love and genuine attraction! Every time I go into the women's locker room I'm convinced that the body needs clothes to avoid looking completely repulsive! And yet many men would sit in that same locker room all day long! Why are we so hard on ourselves and other women?! I'm going to stop pining for a boob job!