Weight A Minute
If you read this blog regularly you know that nothing is off limits as far as what I will write about. From the boring day to day to my Jesus lovin' liberal political beliefs, I write about everything (and yes, that includes my garden which I'm pretty sure bores the heck out of you).
One thing I can't recall ever writing about is weight. My weight, your weight and everyone else's weight. I don't like the subject because I think if I don't write about it then it must not exist. On the contrary, MY WEIGHT (and incidentally yours) is always on my mind.
One of the ripple effects of going to Shannon's photo shoot this weekend was thinking about my body, my image of my body and my idea of what I think your idea of my body is. I know that's all convoluted and crazy isn't it? Bear with me.
For about the last 13 years I have been battling the bulge. And not just one bulge and not just 15 pounds but 2 or 3 bulges and 40 or 50 pounds. And on top of that it feels like I am always waiting to do something special or fun until "I lose a little weight". How many of us do that? Of course when Shannon, Valerie and Suzie were all telling me this weekend that I should do a sexy shoot for Hot Jeff my reply was, "After I lose some weight" with some pretty heinous, hateful things about "my fat ass" thrown in for good measure (thank you Suzie for bringing this to my attention and reintroducing the word "heinous" to my vocabulary).
First of all, I would never say such horrible things about anyone else so why would I say it about myself? I tell my kids that 'words hurt' and 'words have power' yet I denigrate myself with my thoughts and words and never even blink an eye or consider about what my own words are doing to my self-image and self-esteem.
Secondly, its not like I'm just sitting around being fat and not doing anything about it so I should give myself at least a little credit. I'm on a weight loss program called "Take Shape for Life" and have lost 30 pounds since February (you can lose 30 pounds in 3 months too--contact my Bestie Kara Brown for details). That's nothing to sneeze at yet I find myself minimizing the hard work I've done (with my comments about myself) and sabotaging myself and future weight loss but eating some of Samily's cheesy quesadilla (more on how I broke up with cheese in another post).
I don't mean to elevate myself and make this a post all about patting myself on the back but if I'm being honest, don't I deserve it? Heck yes I do. Yet I find myself putting myself down way more times than not. I don't hold myself to the same standard I hold others and that is that weight/size does not equate beauty yet it was clear to me on Saturday when I was quick to say I wouldn't do a photo shoot without losing more weight that I determine my own beauty by a number on my jeans.
Bestie Kim loaned me her book Captivating and it is really helping to change my perspective on God's heart for me, how He sees me (and considers me beautiful) and that I am created for beauty. Nevertheless, when it comes to jean sizes and BMI's it is hard to carry that philosophy over. So, I guess this is a journey I'm on with God right now and like most of my journeys with God it always takes longer than I want it to because I let my stupid, sinful self get in the way.
When I started this post I had a lot more to write about but now the midgets are asking me for lunch and I'm distracted so I have to stop blogging to go be a mother, oh puh-leeeeese. Will love to read your comments about your negative self-talk and how you battle it.