Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Verbal Processing

I'm not exactly sure what is going on with me lately but it seems everything I do I only do half way. And it appears my house is a microcosm of my life. Let me paint a picture:

On my night stand, next to my bed which I rarely make, is 5 books. FIVE BOOKS. All of them are started, underlined, being enjoyed but none of them are finished. It is ridiculous.

In my kitchen, everything is clean but there is clutter. There is a pile of mail that needs to be sorted, the kitchen aid mixer is on the counter and just needs to be put underneath in a cupboard, Emily's lunch box is leaning on the back splash and I have seriously no idea how long its been there--it just needs to be put in a cupboard that is 2 feet away but I just keep looking at it and wiping around it.

In my family room the laundry is clean, folded and waiting for me to put it away. We just keep grabbing clean clothes out of the pile and adding freshly washed clothes to it. A whole week its been stacked there on the back of the couch.

In my heart I feel the same way. I sit down in the mornings to spend time with Jesus and the phone rings or the kids need something or I think of something that has to be done right now and my Bible just sits open in my big, red chair waiting to be read.

The kids and I are in a disconnect. They are seriously pushing my buttons; I mean ganging up on me like nobody's business and taking me down. Lately it seems like a game of who can be more disobedient and it is totally my fault because I'm not following through with consistent (consistent, not constant) discipline. Again, just kind of half way. Insert funny story: earlier this week I told Samuel that if he didn't put his markers away I was going to take him down to China town. His reply: "Is China town a real place?"

I'm half way to the weight I want to lose by my birthday and I cannot, to save my life, get back on program. FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING HOLY PUT THE CARBS DOWN.

I know you're thinking it so let me go ahead and tell you: I'm in a good place mentally. My increased dosage of my crazy pills are doing the trick and I feel sane and balanced. With that said, I am having some motivation problems and am not sure if the root lies with my struggle with depression and anxiety or something else. I'll be the first to admit that I'm pretty quick to label things "Due to Depression" but I sense in my heart that this is something more. I sense this is a Me n' Jesus thing--in a good way. In a "hold your horses" way. I'm not trying to imply Jesus is telling me to not to clean out the fridge, although THAT WOULD BE AWESOME IF HE DID, I'm just processing what's going on in my heart and I think it is kind of manifesting itself in my home. Either that or I am getting incredibly lazy with age.

I feel a stirring. Does that make sense? And how ironic is it that the stirring is zapping me of any energy, vision or follow through yet I still think its a stirring? I'm not sure. I'm hoping the wise Jen Roth will read this post and shed some light on it. Good ol' Bex Mann appears to have the perfect Scripture verse for anything and is spiritually strong beyond her years so I'm hoping she'll leave a comment that spurns direction. No pressure ladies.

If all else fails, Shannon got home last night from vacation and she will at a minimum tell me to get off the computer and go get my house picked up. Shannon is a firm believer that house clutter equates mind and heart clutter and I think she may be on to something. If I'm really lucky she will come over with a bottle of something red and sand my dresser.

One final thought, clutter is clutter and its not hurting anything but I know it is not God's intention to work in my heart and while He does so me get lazy with my parenting. I do know that so will you please pray for me that I will have a good discussion with the kids about some ground rules and then have the patience and desire to follow through. Samuel and Emily deserve that and I need to give that to them instead of the short tempered, quick to swat version I've been giving them for the past couple of weeks.

By the way, the 5th book that is on my night stand..."Grace Based Parenting". A wonderful book by Ted Kimmel that changed my view on discipline and how I want my kids' hearts to look at and realized last night I need a refresher. I lost my cool on them after they dumped water out of the bathtub and while Jeff brushed their teeth I went and got it off the bookshelf. I managed to get a few chapters in last night.

Oh Ted Kimmel, can you move in?


Jen said...

I love your spiritual ramblings. You express so well what is going on in your heart. Keep going. God loves you. I think you're on to something when you consider that the "clutter" - physical, emotional and spiritual - could be a sign of something deeper going on. Press in for the good stuff. God wants to refine you and increase your capacity to both receive His love, and minister to others in His love! I love you too- Jen :)

thedebackerfam said...

A few thoughts from an old person. 1. A guy you used to work for taught me this; touch things once ie folded laundry gets put away @ the time it's folded. Recycle doesn't sit on the counter, it goes in the bin in the garage. Mail goes in the awesome files that Shannon set up for you. Good luck!
2. My compulsive neat nick mom said before she died, "I wish I'd spent less time cleaning and more time having fun with you kids.
3. Don't compare your inner beauty with someone elses outer beauty or their picked up house.
4. Know you're loved by God and Jeff and the kids and I'm thinkin' just about everyone who knows you. 5. Relax!

Anonymous said...

hey crazy lady. how i adore you. you know this (because i've said it to you before), but just do one room at a time. you'll get interrupted because that's life, but conquer one room a day. the kitchen? get the dishes done, loaded/unloaded, have an empty dishwasher to start the next day. laundry room? fold and put away. i'm having a hard time getting myself to do anything today other than be angry at my kids, so i'm not one to talk. but, the whole "one room at a time" concept is huge for me.


Christy said...

I find it completely impossible to have the upstairs and the downstairs clean at the same time. I also cannot cook dinner, clean house and do laundry, so I pick one. You know Brooke H. don't you? She does laundry only one day a week, I don't know how but she does it but she does.

Or you could do what I do on bad days....just put it all in the office/playroom and shut the door ;)

Bex said...

Man. I like you. I admire your honesty. Seriously, you are brave. Not many people are willing to admit when they are struggling and feeling down, depressed, antsy or whatever else. I'm with all these other smart friends of yours; clutter zaps the life out of us and you know that, too. But how to find the motivation to de-clutter and to begin simplifying, that's the hard part. For me personally, I like rewards. Little, frequent rewards along the way for little, small successes. I am a BIG believer in being able to watch TV or get a coffee or have a beer or go to bed early or buy those cute earrings as I finish writing a paper, run 5 stupid errands, clean the bathrooms, etc. I suck at advice by the way. But basically, you are wonderful and amazing. Your garden seems to bring you life and joy and peace and freedom, maybe there is something to that- either for your rewards or as a release...Hmmmm.

Christy said...

I forgot to tell you one very important detail.....I have a housekeeper that comes either once a month or every two weeks. They are a mother daughter team and I am so extremely grateful that my Mom pays for them to come.

Valerie said...

Oh Jennnifer, I LOVE your posts. Seriously, just when I think this mom or that mom has it all together and has all the answers, I'm humbled by the honesty of Moms just like me (you)! I too have been struggling lately with parenting/being a work at home mom (who really only has time to work). My daughter is mostly parented by the tv, but our circumstances make this our only option right now. Oh how I wish that I could go outside and ejoy the sunshine with my baby! And let me tell you how inspiring your weight loss is! Hello, I lost 15 lbs then stopped for the past 4 months! Zero self-control over here. So thank you for posting this. I'm right there with you and finding peace that I'm not the only one :)

annie leavitt said...

hey! i'm almost back to catching up on blogging. love this post. : )