I am on the most amazing leadership team at church. 10 women who are all really in love with Jesus and who have a heart for ministry and young moms. The leadership team is called "Council" and I don't know how they got that name but I truly believe the name makes the group that much cooler.

I've dreamed of being on Council since I was just a little tot; some girls want to grow up and be teachers or nurses or princesses but I wanted to be on Council. You can imagine my excitement when I was asked to lead the Mothers Moments team for Hearts at Home which, in turn, gave me a seat on Council. The heavens opened wide, angels were singing, the sun was shining down upon me and a beautiful rainbow with fairies swirling around it was off in the distance. The clouds in the sky spelled out Jennifer + Council = True Love Forever.

In our bible study this week we studied releasing our fears and trusting God; something I've never been very good at. I'm afraid of everything. New freckle: must be melanoma. Headache? Its probably a tumor. Emily doesn't sit still for a movie? She must be ADHD. Samuel hit the neighbor girl--he's going to grow up to be a psychopath. You get the idea but here's some more. I'm afraid of the dark. I'm afraid of death. I'm afraid of going blind. I'm afraid of terrorists hijacking my flight. I'm afraid of a hitchhiker climbing over 200 yards of 7 feet tall blackberry bushes and one 6 foot tall fence to break in to my house and kill me. I'm afraid a pissed off tax payer will blow up the Revenue building and Jeff will die a fiery death.

I am afraid of everything.

But this post isn't about me. Its about Heidi. Heidi is on Council with me and seriously one of my favorite people on the PLANET. I'm pretty sure Heidi and I were separated at birth because we're so much alike. Well except for one small thing: Heidi is Super Woman. And I mean that figuratively and literally. Here's Heidi at Halloween. She's the one in the red tights.

Now I know Heidi has fears. She's human and she has kids and struggles and crap but she also has a pretty healthy view of putting fear in its place and putting her trust in the Most High God. I admire her more than she'll ever know.

In this same study we were supposed to tell someone who has a bold, fearless spirit that they inspire us with their faith and trust in God so here's my little love letter to Heidi (just today she was bemoaning the fact that she's never been mentioned on my blog so this should shut her up for awhile)...

My dear sister Heidi,

Your friendship means the world to me. You make me laugh. A lot. You inspire me creatively and spiritually. You have cried with me, prayed with me and acted like an ass with me. Thank you for your transparency and realness. Thank you for having a bold, fearless spirit and thank you for modeling what it looks like to "dwell in the shelter of the Almighty".

I love you,

Jen

Seasons

It has been over a month since I last wrote. Do you know how I know that? Because you all keep telling me. Little FB messages, little comments here, little emails in my inbox. And oh how I appreciate them (well except for the one from BlogHer telling me they were suspending my ads) because it made me feel missed and it made me feel loved and oh how I do love validation--just like my book Breaking the Chains of Low Self-Esteem says I do.

One of the reasons I haven't been blogging, besides that I just didn't feel like it (you other writers understand this) is that I've been in the process of making a big decision.

Early in March, members of Council were asked to turn in their decisions of whether or not we would be returning in the Fall. For those of you who don't know, for 2 years I have served on a leadership team at my church. It has been an amazing experience that has grown me as a leader, a wife, a mother, a Christ follower, a friend...etc. etc. etc. Serving on Council and doing what I got to do week in and week out felt like the greatest of all sweet spots. I don't know that I have ever felt that I was doing EXACTLY what God created me to do more than when I was doing what I was doing on Council: public speaking, teaching, leading, being a part of an amazing Bible study. So that's why it was so weird when earlier this year I felt God calling me out of it. I felt myself losing joy and losing passion but passed it off as just being tired. Remember I've been going through all this sleep apnea business and chalked up to that. Yet part of me knew that God MAY be calling out of this ministry and I told Hot Jeff that I was going to start praying about it very intentionally but that if God was calling me out and I would have to let go, that it would have claw marks in it.

To make a long story short God showed me in several different ways, on several different occasions that I should resign. Then I asked Him for confirmation. And He graciously gave it to me...that very evening. God is so patient. So eternally patient.

So March came and it was time to give an answer and this is where we come to my blog and me not blogging. I've been a little too busy wrestling with God. Desperately trying to make it work. Desperately trying to misinterpret the things I've heard for what I wanted. Here's the interesting thing though, God sometimes calls us out of good things. Sometimes He just wants obedience and for us to trust Him that there's something else around the corner and we can't be in His Will and we can't experience the richness of of His promises unless we're willing to let go. Even of the good stuff.

Last week I told my sisters in Council that I wouldn't be serving with them in the Fall. And I cried the whole time. And I told them I was sad. And I told them I didn't think I would ever, ever, ever leave Council and so that's how I knew it was God (amongst a lot of other reasons). I'm not exactly sure what this next season of life is going to look like or what God is going to have me do. Sensei Jen Roth has suggested that God may be calling me back into a season of fully pouring myself in to my children and husband. Samuel will start kindergarten next year and if you've met Samuel you know that this will be a huge transition for him. It's huge for any kid but Samuel is ultra sensitive to change and will need my full attention and time. I'm blogging while I sit outside and I'm watching them ride their bikes in our and my neighbor's driveways and my heart feels such contentment and peace knowing that I'm going to be spending, at least the next year, just loving on my kiddos. Just watching them ride bikes. Mixing paint for them. Building legos with them. We go, go, go and going back to work part-time has only magnified that feeling of always being on the go. We are a family of home-bodies and having somewhere to go every morning and almost every night is exhausting us.

So here's what I'm coming away with and going to hold tightly too until I'm told to do something else: margin. Sustainability. Freedom. Rest. That may sound a little cryptic and I may or may not elaborate in a later blog post but the bottom line is that I'm in a good place of knowing that I've made the right choice, despite it breaking my heart.

Finally, for those of you who I've been in Hearts at Home with over the last 4 years and on General Session team with 3 years ago and on Council the last 2 years with--thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. We had been attending Salem Alliance for over a year and I knew about 6 people. Going to Hearts at Home introduced me to countless women (and in turn their families) who changed my life. You know who you are. You gave me community; a true place to belong. You showed me that being a mother and wife is the highest of all callings and that I could honor my Maker by serving my family. You brought tremendous joy and laughter in to my life. You have loved my kids, my husband and me unconditionally and without limit and you have brought us meals and cards and flowers and coloring books when we were sick. You have loved me through seasons, surgery, bad moods, good moods, depression, joy, milestones, craziness and everything else. You have taught me to read my Bible deeper, trust God more wholeheartedly and the true joy of being my authentic self. I am in debt to every single one of you who has smiled at me, remembered my name, hugged me, invited me to sit with you, invited me to serve with you, laughed at my emcee-ing antics and told me that something I said meant something to you.

My cup runneth over. Thank you.

A Few Words About Community & Conan O'Brien

Let me tell you that I really want to spend my energy writing about the vile treatment of late night comedian and my personal hero, Conan O'Brien but I'm afraid not everyone will "get it". When I made a Facebook post last week about how I couldn't believe that Conan may be on his "krunking way out" I got several replies asking me to define "krunking" and I'll be honest with you, I was incredibly disappointed with my Facebook friends.

I would really like to spend my energy writing about how when I was a high school senior my best friends, Traci and Randi, and I watched Conan O'Brien religiously. We laughed at all of his jokes, we thought driving the desk was HILARIOUS, we believed his predictions in "The Year 2000" were to be banked on and we used his universal cuss word, krunk, in every sentence. Since Conan was new to the scene I thought he may like a little encouragement from 3 schoolers in Park City, Montana so I sent him a letter telling him how much we loved him. I included a picture of the 3 of us smiling widely. He sent us back a glassy 8x10 of himself. I still have it. I'm thinking of framing it and putting it on the family picture wall.

I would really like to spend my time writing about what a crybaby Jay Leno is, how NBC hasn't been the same since "Friends" went off the air and how even though I don't even have TV I will NEVER watch Leno again and am officially a David Letterman fan (cheating dirtball that he is).

Alas, I am not going to spend my energy writing about these things. Instead I'm going to write a few words about community.

Two of my besties, Cary and Kara, talk a lot about community and to tell you the truth I had never heard it in the context in which they use it until I started hanging out with them. They use the word community to describe the bond between Christ followers who do life together. You know, hold each other accountable, share babysitting, are there in good times and bad, do weekends away together and don't blink an eye about throwing scarce dinner ingredients together to put together a fantastic meal for the families while the kids play and the husbands drive home from work.

I gotta say: I love community. We have a few couple friends who we are doing the community thing with and it is awesome. We watch each other's kids, we know each other's struggles, we call each other too early and too late to share triumphs, heartache and prayer requests. We love each other like family and would give a kidney for one another. Nothing is off limits.

Community comes at a price though. You have to be willing to open up, to be vulnerable. You have to be able to ask for help and to give it. Like a healthy marriage the give and take is sometimes 50/50 and sometimes 60/40 or 70/30.

I'm often asked if Jeff and I will ever move to Montana. A few years ago I maybe would have pondered it but now at this stage in my life I can't ever imagine moving away from our church, from my sisters on Council and at Hearts and the priceless friendships that make up mine and Jeff's "community".

Tonight I've been reminded of the special bond that exists in this community and sisterhood I speak of. A woman I serve on ministry with has been very ill for the past couple of weeks. Tonight she took a turn for the worse and she is being admitted in to the hospital. Within minutes, the woman's husband called another woman on our ministry team and she emailed and called dozens of women. As I write she is at the hospital stroking my friend's head along side her husband and dozens of women are praying from home. I cannot think of a more beautiful picture of community.

I am so blessed to be a part of this. So very, very blessed.

Am I Being Too Honest?

Yep, still talking retreat stuff. Yep, still processing retreat stuff. Yep, still using my blog as a journal. If you’re looking for a funny story about parenting or poop or dinner prep come back in a week or so, I’m sure I’ll have something for ya. If you’re looking for a juicy diary entry then here you go.

This morning I was processing some retreat stuff with my sisters in Council; they all went to retreat also and so at our monthly meeting we spent some time debriefing. The time was especially meaningful for me because I have felt a little stuck in how to move what I learned, what I felt, things I heard God say from “retreat” into daily life. You know, how do I make the applicable things apply?

We spent some time praying in 3’s and as I prayed I felt this wave come over me of “a-ha”. I recognized it as “a-ha” because I had felt the same thing earlier in the week. Soon I heard myself confessing that I had been praying (over the last 6 months) for God to show my blind spots not so that I could become more like Him but so I would be more “likeable”.

Here’s the deal with me: I desperately want you to like me. I will say just about anything (or bite my tongue until it bleeds) so that you like me. In fact, I spend so much time trying to figure out what you want from me and how I can please you that I don’t cultivate true friendship and authenticity because I’m basically just trying to be who you want me to be.

I’m not sure where this desperation to please others comes from, and for the time being I’m ok not knowing, for now I have enough on my plate and am simply undone by the fact that I’m not sure exactly who I am if I’m not trying to please you.

I am aware of my gifts and talents but I’m not sure how to use them to glorify God instead of glorifying myself. The conundrum of course being if I bring glory to God and not myself will you still notice me? Will you still like me? Will you shower me with praise or will you give it to God, the One who ultimately deserves it?

After I got home from my meeting, God and I had a little talk. Actually, God did the talking and I just listened. He said something like this, “You are broken. I know it. You know it. People around you know it. You want to fix yourself so those around you won’t think you’re broken. I want to fix you because I want you to be more like Me. The glue you’re using to put your pieces back together…yeah, its not working. Its old glue. Its watered down glue. Its meant to cover up, not heal. You want your glue to dry clear so that no one ever knew you were broken, My glue won’t dry clear. Mine will leave marks and those marks will reflect My glory. Those marks will remind those around you that I use broken vessels all the time, in fact, I prefer them. Your glue is your glue. It is designed by you, made by you, and applied by you. My glue is made by Me; it IS Me. My glue is made up of Truth, healing, hope, rest…blood. My Son’s blood. Your glue is made up of selfish ambition and self-serving righteousness. Your glue is made up of fear and insecurity. Your glue won’t last. My glue is eternal.”



God probably would have talked to me all day but I was all Holy-Cow-God-is-Talking-To-Me-I-Gotta-Go-Tell-The-Internet-About-It and started writing this post…however, I feel God doing a little bit of work in my heart and mind about this people pleasing business I’m in to and also some stuff on standards so I’ll see where that goes.

To close these wickedly honest thoughts, I’ll write about how amazingly relentless our Father is. When I started praying for blind spots I had good intentions. I didn’t know at the time my intentions were rooted in selfish motive, pride and insecurity. God did. Yet He still has been uncovering them to me. Lovingly, slowly, never more than I can handle at one time, He’s been showing them to me. Now, ironically, He’s showing me a blind spot is how or rather why I prayed for blind spots and changing even that in me. God is relentless in His love for us. God is relentless in fulfilling His promise to complete a good work in us. God is relentless.