The Mother Hen

Just when you think you can't be any happier something comes along that rocks your world and reminds you that pure and total elation is just a purchase from Walmart away.

I was headed to Portland for my first date with Leah. Shannon had talked me into wearing a shirt that was perhaps just a fuzz too tight for me and for my back fat. To remedy it she told me of a little secret called a slimming cami. She got hers at Costco but when I went they were all sold out of the camis and only had the slimming underwear. Lord knows I could use them both but was solely concentrating on back fat.

The morning of my date I asked my mother in law, who was watching the kids, to come over 15 minutes early so I could run to the Walmart that's just a mile or so from my house on my way out of town. I headed into the dressing room with 3 or 4 different brands and quickly tried on the first one. I slipped my arms through and tried to pull it over my head...the stretchy spandex material was stretched as far as it would go and wasn't budging over my shoulders. Shannon had warned me of this, "You have to step in to it and then pull it up" she had advised. I pulled my arms out and balanced on one foot while I slipped the other one in. The heel of my sassy black shoes caught on the material and I lost my balance and fell into the wall making a loud thud. The lovely Walmart attendant questioned from outside the dressing room door, "Everything alright in there?" "Everything is great" I answered out of breath.

I shimmied, yanked and pulled the cami up over my post-2-baby-belly and my twin D's wondering if maybe I should have read the directions because perhaps they recommended rubbing olive oil on myself before putting it on. Just as I was about to curse it and Shannon I looked in the mirror. I gasped. I had gone from sausage to svelte. Oh yeah baby.

I asked the attendant outside the door, "If I pull the tag off this can I leave it on and you walk me up to the register to pay for it?" "Its that great, eh?" she asked. "It is", I answered back, "And I don't think I can get out of it" I added.

Dressing room attendant lady walked me up to the counter and handed the tag to the checker, "She's wearing it". The checker looked me looked me up and down and I just smiled back knowingly.

Once in the car I called Shannon, Cary and my Mom to tell them of my find. I was so excited I had to share the news and even now, 37 hours later, when I speak of the cami to Jeff my voice raises like 3 octaves. I am totally incapable of speaking of it in a normal tone of voice: its that fabulous.

My mom wanted to know where the back fat went. What do I look like? A scientist? I don't know where the back fat went, I don't care where the back fat went. I just know it was magically gone but unfortunately and mysteriously reappeared last night when I put my pajamas on.

My favorite part of the cami is the brand name and tag line: "Work It. Work it without working out." How funny is that? I think the only thing that could possibly make that promotion any better would be a picture of me wearing the cami and eating a sausage Mcmuffin.