The Mother Hen

For the Record...

For the record I like cats. I have a cat. I've had a cat all my life and I just love to snuggle with a sweet, purring kitty. We got Hailey the Wonder Cat before we had kids and I still like her better than Samuel or Emily.

For the record.

I'm not in to hurting animals. When I see something on the news or see something in the newspaper about animal abuse or neglect I can't even read/watch it because it haunts me; really messes with me.

I don't watch animal movies for fear something sad will happen to the main animal and I'll cry until the sobs rack my body and the people around me point and mock me (yes, this did happen to me in the 4th grade when Mrs. Lynch, in all her ridiculous wisdom, had us watch "Ol Yeller" as some sort of cruel and unusual reward). When I see a spider in my house I scoop it up and release it outside.

I'm a fan of God's creatures. For the record.

With all of that said I have a confession: I got online yesterday and researched ways to kill my neighbor's cat.

Gasp.

And in case you think you read that wrong I'll say it again. I got online yesterday and researched ways to kill my neighbor's cat.

The neighbor's cat's name is Jersey. It is black and white and thinks my yard is its veritable litter box. Jersey used to be an indoor cat and then its owners got a dog and so like many cats it has become an outdoor cat. When this first happened I really felt bad for it. I would see it sitting on the porch on cold, rainy nights and my heart just went out to it. But time progressed and Jersey seemed to get used to its new outdoor life (and now he kind of seems to like it) and now I hate Jersey and want it dead.

I'm pretty fond of my yard. Hot Jeff and I are yard people. We love green grass and pretty flowers and big, shady trees. We spend a lot of time and money on our yard and so when I'm out pulling weeds I get pretty freaking angry when I smell cat crap and have to shovel poop in to my weed bucket.

I'm pretty fond of the lovely fence my husband built around our backyard so that our kids could play outside in their playhouse and sandbox and backyard without having to worry about being hit by a car or kidnapped by a looney. I like sitting out on the patio and watching them fill dump trucks up with dirt and race them around the grass. I do not like hearing Samuel yell to me that he got cat poop on his hands while scooping dirt into a dump truck. I get pretty darn pissed off thinking about the diseases that are carried in that filthy cat's feces and potentially being passed to my children who are just innocently playing in their backyard.

My anger vacillates between the cat and the owners. I know the cat is just doing what cats do. We have barkdust and it likes pooping in it. Yep, I get it. It doesn't keep me from wanting to poison it.

But my neighbors...yeah, I may need to work it out during Shrink Tuesday because I have some real anger issues with them. If you're going to get a cat then take care of it. Seriously, what is the point of having a cat who never comes inside? I'm pretty sure you don't have some serious mouse problem that you need a cat to help you control. I'm pretty sure your home isn't finally free from the hideous rat infestation you used to battle because you have a cat. I'm pretty sure you had a cat that you really dug until you got a dog who you really dig more. And now because you are a terrible and irresponsible pet owner your neighbors have to suffer. Yeah, I think I got it.

So yesterday, after working in my yard for four hours and getting it all spiffed up and ready for Spring I was pretty fed up. Pretty much up-to-here with the amount of cat crap I had shoveled into a bucket. So I told Hot Jeff I was going in to the house to research ways to poison Jersey.

He thought I was joking.

I wasn't.

Turns out there are all sorts of ways to poison a cat. It also sounds like I am not the first neighbor to think of, attempt to or follow through with killing a neighbor's cat. In fact, some lady on yahooanswers.com has lost 3 cats to poison and is pretty certain her neighbor did it.

Here's what is keeping me from poisoning Jersey (and it isn't my conscience): it sounds like I could actually get in to some trouble for killing a cat. Like serious-criminal-charges-trouble. My bestie's husband Drew is an attorney but I'm not sure he could get me off for cat murder. Especially after they confiscated my computer and saw my google search "How Do I Poison My Neighbor's Cat" (I wanted very specific results). This blog post probably wouldn't help my defense too much either.

Today when I told my other neighbor/good friend Melissa I had researched ways to kill Jersey she looked at me like I had gone mad. She then suggested the most unreasonable thing I have ever heard of--talking to the owners; try telling them I was concerned about my kids' ingesting something horrible and seeing if we could find a solution. I'm assuming Melissa's "solution" has nothing to do with antifreeze so I told her to "suck it".

Hot Jeff and I are actually thinking of putting carpet tack strips on top of our fence, all the way around, so that it would puncture and cause a nasty, fatal infection poke the cat and deter it from future pooping rendezvous with my barkdust. I like this idea. Hot Jeff isn't totally on board yet but I'm withholding sex until he gets on board. I've never tried this trick before but when I was researching how to murder cats I found this little gem and thought I would give it a try also.

So there you have it. I am paradoxically an animal lover who wants to murder my neighbor's cat. I am, however, NOT GOING TO KILL JERSEY or any other cat so just relax and put the phone down. And so help me, if even ONE of you sends me an email or writes a comment about spraying something in my yard that acts as a deterrent I will publicly mock you and may just come over and poison you.